178: Finding Joy in the Holidays
So I just opened registration for a group I’m guiding through grief. This is for grieving mothers who want to learn how to feel their feelings, who want a guide to lead them through the dark tunnel of grief, and who want the connection, support, and love that being in this space with other grieving mothers provides. So it’s called Carrying Grief Coaching, and for 3 months as a group, we will get on calls as I guide you through the Life After Child Loss Program, and we do journaling work, meditations, tapping sessions, and breath work. All of this is very intentional to help you process any struggles you are having. Maybe it’s having so much guilt, anger, depression, and just not caring anymore, the tension in your marriage, anxiety that rules your life, unable to sleep at night, eating your emotions, whatever it is in relation to child loss and grief, I will help you with that, and we will connect together as a group. Then the best part is, after meeting virtually for 3 months, we will get together in Utah for a personal retreat. It’s going to be so incredible. If you saw anything about my last retreat, you don’t want to miss it. It’s everything we are going to do over the 3 months in January February and March and then bringing it all together in this in-person experience in April. If you are tired of being so exhausted with grief, and tired of dreading the holidays, and living on the edge all the time and you just know something needs to change, come join us. You can go to www.carryinggriefcoaching.com to register. Spots are limited, so come join now! And Registration closes soon.
Also, today is Thanksgiving, so if you are listening to this on Thanksgiving, I want to send you a giant hug. I hope your heart feels loved today, and you get what you need today, whatever that is. Be kind and gentle with yourself, these moments are not easy.
The holiday season is typically a very very challenging time for moms who have had their baby or child die. It’s a huge huge hole and gap in your life and the reminders of all the joy other people are feeling is just so far from what you’re feeling, and it’s so painful and you just don’t want to live through the holidays without them.
But I want to encourage you to search for joy in the ways you can.
Often, when a mom feels joy, she can immediately feel guilty that how she is having any joy, because her child died. How can she laugh when your baby is dead? She’s a horrible mother for laughing, does this mean she is forgetting?
So many thoughts can race through your brain if you find any sort of joy.
And yet, joy, laughter, and lightness can be the things that fill you up so that you can ride the next waves of grief. If you don’t allow any joy in, it just gets heavier and heavier and you can start to wonder what’s the point and purpose. Well, you can wonder that no matter why.
But the way I think of it is that when I allow myself to feel light emotions, they fill up this tank inside of me, almost like putting energy reserves in my energy bank, so that when I’m low or a grief wave comes, those energy stores can help sustain me.
So how can you allow in joy and look for joy when grief and child loss have made it impossible?
Practicing gratitude for 5 minutes a day. This literally can change your life if you’ve never tried this. Grief and gratitude can coexist, and gratitude is a muscle that you have to practice. You have to learn to look for things to be grateful for, you have to be intentional, otherwise, it doesn’t just naturally happen. At least for me. I’m really really good at looking for the problems, the reasons I should pity myself, why I hate myself, why my life is horrible, and how it’s all gone wrong. I’m really good at that. But practicing gratitude has allowed me to have this different lens I can look through which I can look for the good. Not in spite of the bad or to ignore the heavy things, but to see that there are still things, even small things like noticing a flower bloom or the way the sun shines and how beautiful those are, that can still make me smile, or make my heart feel a little lighter. So while I encourage you to feel all the negative emotions of grief without judgment, I also would encourage you to practice feeling the lighter emotions in your life without judgment. Letting yourself feel grateful, joy, content, whatever emotion and practicing feeling it is amazing.
Move your body, in a small way every day, again, even if it’s for 5 minutes. Just commit to 5 minutes of yoga, a walk, squats, whatever it is, and you might be surprised at how amazing it feels to just move your body. Grief is a very heavy energy and to just move your body and help move that energy around can be amazing.
Fill your mind with stories of hope. Look for people who have survived horrific things and are living fulfilling and vibrant life. Notice that other people have survived and that it’s possible for you too.
Take extra care of yourself this season. Say no when you want to, truly listen to what you want, and don’t let other people’s judgments or thoughts make you do differently than what you know to be true for you inside. Schedule a massage for yourself, or treat yourself in some way that feels special for you. You can do something in your child’s name, or do something that reminds you of them.
Set an intention for this holiday season. Whatever that is for you. Your intention doesn't need to be that you find joy, though it could be. It could be something like I’m going to allow myself to rest as much as I need. Or I am going to connect with the people I love. Whatever your intention would be, think of it now. Take some time to journal about it, think about it, and carry that with you throughout the season. Bringing yourself back to what your intention was and how you want to redirect your focus this season.
Do meditations, tapping sessions, or breathwork to help calm your body down. These are incredible to help you feel calm and grounded, and even grateful. Allowing yourself to be with what you feeling can allow more room for you to feel all of it, joy and pain.
One more thing I want to say about this in particular, if you want more joy, if you want to have more joy, is you have to allow yourself to feel all the pain too. I learned this pretty quickly after Aria died from Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection. I learned that you cannot choose what emotions you numb. Maybe you are trying so hard to feel joy, so you keep shoving down the pain, but what you don’t realize, is that when you are shoving the pain down, you are also shoving down your possibility to feel joy. Because you can’t selectively numb. If you choose to numb the pain, you are also numbing the joy. When you allow yourself to fully experience and move through the pain with compassion and love, then you also open up the possibility of feeling joy and lightness as well.
There is no need to find joy, this is not something you have to do, but with grief and with life, there are moments of joy, and most of the time you won’t see them if you don’t look for them because grief is so overwhelming and takes over everything.
So, let me know which one of these was the most helpful for you, you can send me a message on IG at cultivated family, and just let me know. If you liked this podcast, send it to a friend that could really use it as well.
Until next time! Take care!
Books mentioned in the podcast episode:
The Gifts of Imperfection: Brené Brown
Are you ready to stop cycling in the pain and anguish of grief? What if you could get a moment of calm and respite? After your child dies, everything feels hopeless and dark, and it’s hard to even think straight. Staying in survival mode keeps the cycle going.
Register to watch this free video on how to stop the pain, and feel better again.
