345: Conflict and Connection in Marriage with Brett Nikula (RERUN)
Welcome to the Joyful Mom Podcast!
In this heartfelt podcast episode, Megan invites Brett Nikula, a marriage and family therapist, to explore the complexities of conflict within relationships—especially after the loss of a child. Brett shares how his career transitioned from engineering to therapy, driven by a passion for helping people, particularly couples. He explains that his focus on couples emerged from understanding that children’s wellbeing is closely tied to the quality of the couple’s relationship. The conversation sets the stage for an in-depth discussion about emotional disconnection, stress, and conflict that often arise in grief, particularly when partners grieve differently and misunderstand each other’s coping styles.
Brett introduces the “conflict cycle,” rooted in attachment theory and emotionally focused therapy. He explains how each partner often has underlying attachment longings—like the desire to feel cared for, appreciated, or secure—which can be easily triggered in moments of stress. Using real-life and client examples, he illustrates how attempts to seek connection can instead spark defensiveness or withdrawal in the other partner, perpetuating a painful loop of disconnection. A simple situation—like a disagreement about a spoon—can be symbolic of much deeper emotional needs, and when those needs are not acknowledged, conflict escalates.
The episode emphasizes that conflict itself is not harmful; rather, it becomes damaging when couples lack the tools to navigate it. Brett uses a powerful gear analogy to explain how emotional “sharp edges” naturally surface as intimacy deepens. He encourages couples to stay curious, explore the emotions beneath their reactions, and share their “hope chest”—a metaphor for the deeply personal and emotional baggage we bring into relationships. Finally, Brett suggests a helpful litmus test for couples: if conflict doesn’t lead to connection, it's time to seek support. Therapy or coaching can offer a safe space to rebuild trust, communicate more openly, and ultimately strengthen the relationship.
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