180: It's okay to be depressed
It’s okay to be depressed. I don’t think I’ve talked much about depression here that comes with child loss, so I wanted to address it specifically today.
Depression can be so scary because it’s so heavy. It's so heavy and dark. And truly if you are having suicidal thoughts, please get help, and the hotline number is 988, so please use that if you are having those thoughts.
Depression can be scary for those who are wanting to help you, and they might worry if you don’t get help soon, or don’t do anything that you will just stay there forever. And it’s definitely possible that you will stay there if you don’t allow yourself to move through the depression and to be in it when it’s there, but then take steps to get out of it if it doesn’t lift for you when you allow yourself to be there.
The key to this is fully allowing yourself to be there without judgment. Allowing yourself to feel apathy. Feeling the disinterest, that you just don’t care anymore. And be there, knowing that this doesn’t last forever and that this is a part of grief.
For some of you, this might be the heaviest part of grief and it can feel like it will never go away, and for some of you, it can come and go, in and out of your life.
This is what it was like for me, and I still have phases in my life that I would consider a depressive state, where I just don’t care, I dont’ have the energy to do anything, and life feels dark and heavy. But in the beginning of grief, this is where I turned inward, I stepped away from people, I stayed home, and I didn’t go out and about like I usually do. When the depression came I withdrew. And if you are conscious of this, and know that this can be completely normal in grief, you can know it’s okay for you to withdraw for a time. It’s okay for you to stay home, not want to see people, and not care to visit.
It’s okay to be depressed after your child dies. Like it makes complete sense that you would be. So allowing yourself to be there for a time is so important.
And here’s the thing. I can’t give you a timeline of when depression will lift or it will get lighter. This is going to be different for everyone, and you will have a different grief path than me. But what I can say is that hopefully there will come a time when it naturally lifts as you let yourself be there without judgment, or when you decide you are tired of feeling this way and you want to take active steps to change it. That’s where Grieving Moms Haven can help you, feel the depression, and also then begin to practice feeling other emotions too, and understanding what’s going on in your mind that’s keeping you where you are at.
Like anything, it can get scary if things go really dark, so please don’t try to do this all alone. At least having someone who is there to help guide you, support you, or have accountability of calls where you show up, or whatever it is.
But also, know that depression is normal, and we don’t need to panic when we are feeling that way. I don’t know how else to put it. It’s okay to feel that way. And it’s actually very important to allow yourself to be in that space and to feel it all.
Recently I have had a bit of a heavier phase in my life, and I shared on Instagram that I’m not feeling the greatest, but it’s okay. I know that this is a phase, and these heavy emotions are a part of my life and it’s okay to be here. I know if I allow myself to be here, I will also find my way out of it again.
But I also wanted to share some ideas of how to support yourself when you are in a depressed state, and you want to start to do what you can to pull yourself out of it. Remember, before you can do that, allow yourself to feel it and just be there.
Movement. I will always recommend that you move your body. Yoga is amazing, especially if you don’t have a lot of energy. When I can, I’m going to start adding yoga videos to Grieving Moms Haven as well, because this type of movement can be so helpful. It’s not too moving, but enough to get the energy flowing through your body, and a time for you to connect with the heaviness you feel, and also a chance to allow lightness in. Walking, or any other form of movement that you can do or that you love to do, whatever that may be, I’d definitely recommend movement.
Eating healthy. This is a very vague term because there are so many different versions and views of what healthy eating means, but what makes you feel good? What gives you a little extra energy because you ate something that felt good for you and your body?
Tapping and meditations. These can really help you move energy in your body, and be with depression. But then a gratitude meditation can help you practice feeling joy. Contrary to popular belief, gratitude and joy doesn’t just happen, they have to be practiced and looked for. So using these tools can be very helpful in allowing in the heaviness, but allowing in lightness too
Just letting yourself not care. I know this seems counterintuitive to what I’m sharing to help get yourself out of the hole, but just letting yourself not care for a time is huge. Just letting yourself eat chocolate or ice cream, or scroll on your phone, and knowing that you’re doing it, but also just being okay with it. Not beating yourself up about it, not getting mad at yourself about it. Like literally letting yourself do those things you try to not do, or you might think of as “bad coping mechanisms” or whatever, to just be okay with doing it for a little bit.
Filling your mind with things that bring you to hope, or music that makes you feel light, or listening to things that give you more energy. Don’t listen to doom and gloom things. Turn off the news. Seriously. There is nothing on the news that will help your depressed state, it will only make it worse. Bring your world to just you and your life, and focus on taking care of yourself, shutting out the outside world for a time can really help you by not adding the heaviness of the world onto your already heavy emotions.
Finally, if you try all these things and you just cannot seem to get out of it, you cannot seem to make any movement or progress when you are trying to do it on your own, I have two suggestions. One would be to get help. Message me for 1:1 grief guidance where I can do personalized tapping sessions with me, and really help you connect with what’s underneath the heaviness. Or go find a therapist, and get help. Don’t just keep trying to do this on your own. Sometimes you need a place to go, a place to show up to, a person that’s keeping you accountable.
The other thing is this, I’m not a huge advocate of medication just because I do believe it’s given out way too quickly and often to just put a bandaid on the problem without doing the work. If you’re listening to this podcast, you know I encourage you to do the deep work, because that’s where change happens. But- if you cannot seem to even have the energy to do anything, to get help, you don’t even care, then maybe medication could be something that could help you get into a better place, to then do the deep work. So it’s not always the bad guy, it can be something you can use to help you out, help you actually care, and have a little more energy so you can do the deep work things.
You are doing the best you know how right now my friend, sending love and light to you, see you next week.
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