339: A Powerful Process to Change How You Parent
Welcome to the Joyful Mom Podcast!
I recently took a client through this powerful process, and I wanted to share it here with you. This client was feeling terrible about a situation with her child that she felt like she lost control, and was not showing up fully as the mom she wanted to be.
If you have been feeling this way, first off, give yourself some compassion and grace. The fact that you care and you want to do something different, is huge. This shows that you care. That you love your child so much. And none of us are perfect ever. So we’re not reaching for perfection, we are reaching to do better, to heal, so our responses and reactions can be better each time, but we will never be perfect. So give yourself some compassion and grace. And know that one of the best things you can do when you mess up and act how you don’t want to do, is just simply apologize and say I’m sorry to your kids. That’s a beautiful thing to do and a huge step to repairing that experience.
However, there’s still this issue that my client was facing: she wanted to show up better, she didn’t want her child's independence and own person to cause her to react in a way that she didn’t want to. And as I reminded her on our call- kids have a way of bringing out the best and worst in you, they know how to get your triggers- but this can be a gift that you can see where you need to do the work and heal. When you are triggered, it means there is something yet to heal.
So- I took her through this powerful process to give her brain the chance to see how she wants to react. I shared an episode earlier on visualization- and this is very much using visualization to play out the scenario you want to have happen.
So I’m going to give you a few pointers on what to do, and how to do this:
Think of a time where things didn’t go too well, where you reacted in a way you wanted, lost control of yourself, or really just didn’t show up as the mom you wanted to be. Think of that time, and without judgement or criticism, just looking at it as if you were a scientist, then consider if you could respond in the way you wanted to, what would that look like?
Our kids often respond and react to our energy, so when you are in a better headspace and keep your cool, and stay grounded, your kids will respond in a way that follows. Even if they don’t, they can feel the difference in you.
So take that time, and then play it out in your mind, but with it going the way you would like to respond. Practice responding the way you want to in your mind over and over again. The thing is, the mind doesn’t know the difference between real and imaginary, so if you practice it in your mind, your mind starts to understand, oh, when this happens, this is how we want to respond to this type of situation.
Something I would caution you- is it can be tempting to play out this scenario, and let’s say kids are fighting, and so in your new vision, you see yourself responding nicely to them, and then they nicely stop fighting, hug each other, and move on. Except, that’s not always what happens in reality. You can keep yourself completely grounded and cool, and it might not change how your kids are reacting or responding. But what I would suggest is to practice being grounded and calm EVEN while your kid or kids are acting in a way that would have completely triggered you or made you completely react in the past.
So it’s not about playing out a perfect scenario, because if your kids calm down and they are all acting nicely and doing what you want of them, then you wouldn’t have to be grounded, because you wouldn’t be being triggered. You need to practice being in a situation where you would have been triggered, and yet you are calm and grounded.
So you play this scenario out in your mind, practice showing up in your head how you want to show up.
Then, start to notice if you notice changes in the way you respond or react to your kids. See if you are more grounded, calm, and can act in the way that you want to as a mom.
I know this episode is super short, but I actually want you to take a moment and try it out. Think of the situation, and then replay the situation how you want to show up and start to embody that in your body and mind.
If you don’t do it- nothing will change. So I’m challenging you right now- to take just 5 minutes and practice!
If you want to learn more about how you can clear anxiety more automatically by rewiring how the mind is working and processing things, go to my website www.meganhillukka.com where you can click on a link to register for my free training, where I will show you what you need in order to do this.
