166: My Overeating Journey
I’ve never really openly talked about this subject before, so I’m a bit nervous and sometimes I never know when is the right time to share if ever. There are some things that I won’t talk about on my podcast, just because they are personal to me, and this seems to be one that I’m ready to share here in hopes that it will help someone else.
The reason I’m even more drawn to sharing this is recently in Grieving Moms Haven, I did a themed call on overeating. Where we did some meditations for connecting with your body, but also a tapping meditation for overeating and trying to not feel your emotions. A few moms came on and shared their experiences and this felt like such a relevant topic for many moms, and I know how powerful this tapping meditation was for them, so I wanted to share a bit of my story with overeating, body image, and learning to process my emotions and grief.
The very first time I even noticed my body and what it looked like was when I was in 5th grade, and a boy at school called me fat. He would whisper it to me when he walked by. For the next few years, he would find ways to tell me this. Write me notes, say them to me, however. My first reaction was to want to tell my teacher about it, but then shame kicked in, and I started to wonder, was I fat?
I had no idea I was emotional eating for a very long time. I wasn’t consciously aware of how badly I talked to myself. How I looked at myself. I just tried everything, beat myself up, worked out, tried to force myself to do better, and rode the shame cycle.
I’ve hated my body for many many years. And I’ve had 7 babies with that, where I’ve gained weight and haven’t lost it. It’s been a rollercoaster and a big deal in my life. If you haven’t struggled with this at all, you might not realize how all-consuming it can be. And how it affects every area of your life. One thing I will quickly share, was I didn’t realize how self-conscious I was until we moved into our bus, we don’t have a good mirror on the bus, and we didn’t see all that often people we knew. So for 6 weeks, and longer, I didn’t look in a mirror. I didn’t worry about what my clothes looked like on me, and I just got dressed and went about my day. As soon as we went back to Minnesota, I immediately felt self-conscious again. I changed my clothes a hundred times, trying to figure out what I feel best in. It was such a weird experience and helped me realize how much energy I was focusing on this, and how I didn’t want to give that much energy to this anymore.
Anyways, I’ve utilized many things to help me, and I cannot say I’m perfect or perfectly healed, that I love my body at all times, or that I’m even at most of the time. I’m learning. I’m using the tools I teach to help me. I’m going to share a few things I’ve learned to help me, and maybe it will help you, or give you hope that it’s possible to take a step back and become a more mindful eater.
One thing is becoming aware of what I was even doing. Noticing when I got very stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, or when I just wanted everything to stop and to feel better, eating would help me do that. This was the way I cope with emotional pain.
I know since I talk about emotions on here a lot, maybe you think I’m a master and I’m just all good. I’ll tell you, I’m a type 7 on the enneagram, and if you know the enneagram at all, it’s my biggest fear to be in pain. It’s absolute torture.
Like I said before, I wasn’t even aware that I was emotionally eating. But as I started paying attention, I noticed how when I got bored, stressed, or overwhelmed, that's what I wanted to do to cope with the intense emotions inside of me. It was my escape in a way, where I could almost tune out of the world, and numb whatever was coming up for me.
Realizing this was what I was doing, has helped me become more aware of the process. More aware of my responses to my emotions, and as I have become more aware, I’m able to sit with my emotions a bit more, than just eating to numb them. As I said, I’m not perfect at this, but it’s a lifelong process, to learn how to feel and sit with emotions. Sometimes I don’t, and sometimes I do. And I remember how much better it is when I do sit with my emotions instead of eating them or any other form of numbing that I use.
Another layer I have worked on is the identity level. How do I identify with food? Who do I identify as? I heard someone say that they never eat once they are full, and I was like huh, that is not my identity. That is not what I do, but can I adopt that as my identity? Can I become someone that doesn’t eat when she’s full and stops eating when she’s full? I also heard someone else describe being full as very uncomfortable and she hates being stuffed. Another thought I wanted to adopt. Hmm… Can I become a person who will stop eating because I hate the feeling of being stuffed?
Again, if you’ve never struggled with any of this, this might be so foreign to you, but I’m hoping it will help others because I know I’m not alone in this.
I never paid attention to if I was full or not. Ever. Even if I was stuffed and the food was good, I would eat it. And now, I’ve realized that if I stay present while I’m eating, instead of zoning out because I’m using it as a tool to numb, I can be more mindful of what full feel like. Do I like being stuffed? Would I rather keep eating or stop before it gets uncomfortable?
This mindfulness and presence are so helpful. The tapping meditation I created inside of Grieving Moms Haven specifically for overeating is so helpful because there is so much shame and judgment around overeating. Mainly for ourselves. If you are in the cycle you probably know it well. You overeat, you hate yourself, you wonder what’s wrong with you, why can’t you get a grip on yourself, you promise you will never do it again, and the cycle repeats.
What I’ve learned is this cycle will continue to repeat itself until you break it up with mindfulness, compassion, and empathy. You cannot hate yourself for not overeating. You start hating yourself and shaming yourself, and you’re going to need something to numb the emotions because they feel so terrible, and if your coping mechanism is food, of course, that’s what you turn to.
So using this tapping meditation to hold space for all the shame, judgment, guilt, hate, whatever emotions you are feeling, and redirecting yourself to who you want to be and where you want to go can be so helpful.
Here’s one of the biggest things I can share. Most of the time I’ve tried to deal with my overeating by eating healthier, restrictions myself, exercising, trying to shame myself, and all the diets whatever you want to lose weight. But in the end, none of these things are the problem. The problem is, that food was my coping mechanism to deal with my emotions. When I can learn how to sit with my emotions and feel them, I don't need a coping mechanism like food to deal with my emotions. I know how to feel them and deal with them without a “coping mechanism”. I don’t need something else outside of me to numb the emotional turmoil inside, I just sit with it, and it will simmer down.
So, it’s not the next diet, the next big thing, the next workout, whatever, it’s learning how to sit with your emotions. And this is everything I do inside Grieving Moms Haven, which is teaching how to feel your emotions. I am continuing to learn every day. Learning how to connect with my body, be present in my body instead of disconnected, and feel what I’m feeling instead of numbing it with food or whatever else.
Anyways, it feels a bit vulnerable to share this about me, but I do hope that this will help one of you listening know that you are not alone, that you’re not broken or bad, or that there’s something wrong with you. You don’t need to just get more control of yourself. Start becoming aware of what’s going on with you and your body, and you can change things from the identity level out.
Let me know your thoughts, share this episode on IG and tag me in it, Message me on IG at cultivated family. I’d love to hear from you.
All my love,
Megan
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