149: Is rock bottom inevitable?
I’ve been pondering this question for some time. Because my purpose in my work would be to be able to help women before they reach rock bottom. My goal would be to help women in their grief to support them, to give them tools, skills, and help so that they have the capability to navigate the life they have.
And yet- it can seem like sometimes as humans, we will not change anything until we are forced to. Until there is no other option than to change.
I have felt this myself, where Aria’s death shattered me in so many ways that I didn’t think were even possible. I already felt emotionally broken. I already felt pretty fragile emotionally, and with Aria’s death, I had to learn how to live again. I would seriously shut down a relationship before I had hard conversations, I shoved things under the rug, I still do, I just try to be more aware of it, and definitely know that it helps to take things out from underneath the rug.
I felt like her death was a turning point for me to live. To live for this moment. To be present with what is going on with my life. To take care of my emotional state, and to say no to others when I need to say no. To tell my husband, your family needs you at home, please stay home, and not go out helping others when your family is falling apart at home.
I have a few ideas why this tends to be what happens, and I want to share them with you.
One- that as humans we do what is familiar to us. We do the same thing over and over because we know it. Even if it causes pain, even if it’s painful, even if it brings us a lot of suffering, we know it. We know the pain, and to do something different brings in a new pain because it’s unknown. It brings fear and pain.
Looking in from the outside we can say oh why would someone not do something different, it’s easy to see from the outside, but from the inside, of course, we stay in our comfort zones even though it may be slowly killing us, because it’s what we know.
For example, guilt is an emotion that can eat you up inside. It’s an emotion that is so toxic and horrible to feel, and yet, many moms that I work with are so scared to let go of the guilt they feel, because what does it mean about them? If they don’t feel guilt,
Two- we tend to focus on the problems. And the problems that are causing the most amount of grief. Like if you are too busy, or have too much going on, and you deal with what feel most urgent at the moment. And if you can push through, function, do things you need to do, even if you aren’t happy or it doesn’t feel good, we tend to just keep going, just keep pushing through, until it all falls apart and you literally cannot push through anymore.
Three- too busy to slow down. Whether this is with kids, work, family, whatever it is. Notice if you are caring for your mental and emotional health?
I hear all the time from people, I just don’t have time to fall apart. What will happen if I start to do this work and I can’t function anymore? I have 7 kids to care for, or a job, or a house to keep up, or whatever it is for you. I can’t afford to fall apart.
If you don’t find the time for it, someday you will be forced to, which is the whole point of this episode. I would love it if I could show you why right now is the right time to start doing the internal work rather than after everything has fallen apart, but I’m not sure if you’re going to listen to me! Right now is the time to care for yourself, before you don’t have any other choice.
So this means slowing down. This means noticing what’s going on in your body. This means getting out of your head and into your body.
This means prioritizing your health in whatever way that looks right now. This could be joining Grieving Moms Haven, joining a gym, scheduling time every day to do a meditation inside of Grieving Moms Haven.
It’s okay for you to fall apart…you might be surprised at who steps up and in to help, and you know what? It’s also good to show your kids that you are not perfect. Not put all your emotions and stuff on them, but to show them that you are human, and so when they go through trials in their life, which they will, they know that there’s not something wrong with them because they are going through something hard.
Another quick side note, I have gone on a walk, bike ride, hike, almost daily, and if not daily, many times a week since we started our bus travels around the united states. When we arrived back in Minnesota, I went on 2 walks in 2 weeks. I kept getting frustrated, that I never have time to go on a walk, I’m too busy, and I was beginning to feel panicky in my body, stressed out and overwhelmed. I use walks to calm down in my body and mind. I’m very intentional as a walk to breath, notice my surroundings, think intentional thoughts and feel intentional feelings, so they feel very life giving to me. Yet I wasn’t making time for them.
I told Justin one day how frustrated I was that I haven’t made it out on a walk yet, and he’s like, why haven’t you gone? You’ve been able to go all day, you chose to not go. And you know what? It was so true. I kept putting other things higher on my list of getting things done, when getting out on my walk truly centers me and grounds me to get my things done better and be more present for my kids. So- just a gentle reminder to you, that no one else usually is going to tell you to stop doing things, or slow down, or take care of yourself. You get to decide if you are worth it, or you get to, or you can make time for it. Stop saying you don’t have time for it, you are just not prioritizing it. And if you don’t want to make it a priority that’s okay, but you are the one making that decision!
Four- Believing that this is just the way it has to be. That this pain, this suffering, anxiety, depression, worry, this is just who you are and you have to accept it.
There are some things that we just have to accept are a part of our lives, like for myself, grief, anxiety, I live with them on a daily basis, but they don’t rule my life, and I know how to allow and move through them, thus they actually have a lot less power over my life than me just accepting that they are a part of my life, and I have to just feel miserable the rest of my life.
I know, when your child dies, it can feel impossible to feel anything else but despair, anger, guilt, sadness, whatever it is for you. But if you continue to believe this is the only option and things can never change, they will never change. They really won’t.
There’s a piece here about taking an active role in your grief, being proactive, taking part of it, living it, breathing it, moving through it, and taking a passive role in your grief, just letting go of everything, of caring about it, of taking any steps that will help you because you might believe it will never change.
Do we have to hit rock bottom? Maybe. Maybe that’s when you will finally learn that caring for yourself is one of the biggest gifts you can give yourself and your family.
I hope not though. I hope today you will commit to yourself, that you are worthy of caring for. That you can take an active role in your grief, to get out of the constant reactive state of stress in your life.
I hope today you will decide to join that gym, join Grieving Moms Haven, come join me in the in person Retreat, buy the book, go on a walk, take 5 minutes to meditate, take a moment to notice your child’s laugh or how they play, to take a moment to notice your spouses smile, to feel gratitude in your body, to thank God for the beauty in your life, to allow yourself to feel the pain, to ugly cry and scream in the car. Whatever it is that you need to do. Know that you can be the driver of your ship, you don’t need to stay on the sidelines, just waiting to crash. I want to help you before you crash, but I’ll be here too, if your journey goes otherwise.
All my love to you this week, remember, if you want to come join my in person Retreat in October, where we will do meditations, tapping circles, walks in the woods, lake views, sauna time, yummy food prepared for you. You literally just show up, you don’t have to think about anything, and you get to be a part of an amazing healing experience this weekend. Go to www.meganhillukka.com/retreat to learn more!
Until next time, friend, take care.
If you like this podcast, and found it helpful, I want to invite you come check out Grieving Moms Haven, my monthly community for Grieving moms, where you can learn positive coping mechanisms, find a safe space with others who understand, and learn life long skills that support you as you learn how to carry this weight of grief in your life.
There are group coaching calls where we do guided meditations, tapping meditations, breathwork, and just talk, knowing that everyone in the group is also walking the path of child loss
You can come check out Grieving Moms Haven at www.grievingmomshaven.com
