148: Giving With Resentment
So, I had an experience that reminded me about giving with resentment.
I have been pretty intentional about taking care of myself, not just my body but my internal state. This doesn't mean I’m perfect or that I am always calm on the inside. I’m far from that actually, and I have to be intentional otherwise things just escalated quickly for me.
So- I was feeling very drained. I was exhausted, up with kids every night, and we had spent a lot of time for Justin, supporting him, encouraging him, cheering him on. And I was absolutely depleted. I had nothing left to give.
And, there was a special day that was to celebrate him, and I just had nothing to give. But I felt like I had to serve him in the way that was expected. So I went through the motions.
I made him breakfast. Made him coffee. Had the kids write him cards. I just did the things I was supposed to do. But I didn’t feel any love, I didn’t give because I wanted to. I literally took the actions but did it with resentment.
This can happen so easily as a mom. We give and give and give and serve and serve and serve because we are supposed to, because we believe this is what good moms do, because we believe that we need to. Whatever that is for you.
When I did this, it didn’t help or serve anyone. I wasn’t enjoying my day, and of course Justin could tell even though I was doing all the right actions.
Think about it, if someone is coming to help you, but they have lots of resentment, frustration, anger, coming from a place of depletion, does it feel good to be on the receiving end of that? I know for myself, I don’t want help from someone who is depleting themselves, who is not giving with a full heart, who is doing it out of obligation. I actually don’t even want their help. So why does it feel like we are doing this, we are doing something we are supposed to do?
I’ve thought about it, when I received so much help after Aria died, I thought about how humbled I felt, how much I had to give up in order to receive all the help we got. There was no way I would have wanted to have someone giving or helping in some way that was doing it because they had to, not because they wanted to.
Even that day with Justin, even though I “took care of him” he felt it. I was not showing up fully, and I wasn’t truly connecting with him because underneath all my actions were resentment and feeling depleted myself. So Justin didn’t even want that from me. It didn't feel good for him to receive things from me that I was giving with a resentful heart.
So- I was thinking about it that day, even mid-process. I was like okay. I have the right to be angry, even though I’m supposed to be a certain way on this day, I’m not. I’m frustrated, depleted, and I’m allowed to feel that way. I don’t need to change it. And also, maybe if I can talk about it and voice it, I can get to a place of love and service and gratitude.
I can either make the day miserable for everyone, or I can work through it faster and talk about it, and if it works do something quickly that can help give me a little more energy back in my battery tank so I can come from a more full place.
Basically today, I just wanted to share my own experience and awareness of how I was showing up, and maybe you have done this or have been doing this as well. Maybe you want to check in with yourself, and ask, are you doing that all the time in your life? Is this your way of life?
I recently sent an email out, about being the martyr for your children. The idea that as women, we give up ourselves, everything about ourselves in order to care for our loved ones in our lives.
But check in with yourself, are you giving with a joyful heart? Or is it full of resentment? Or depression? Of bitterness? And no, I don’t think you need to just get over it, and just be a better mom. I really don’t believe that.
I can’t even remember where I’ve shared this now, as I’ve shared it so many times but I will share it again here. Imagine yourself as a pitcher, where water is flowing into. The water flowing into the pitcher is everything you need in your life. So often we are so busy dumping from our pitcher to everyone else. Pouring out of ourselves, giving to those we love at the expense of our own well being. That pitcher is often empty, drained, resentful.
What if instead you could let that pitcher fill up? What if that pitcher of water could be full to the brim, and then what would happen? It would overflow, and then get to everyone you want to serve and love as well.
So you can serve everyone you love with joy, happiness, and coming from a filled up pitcher, or you can give everything you got, and be resentful, and depleted. Maybe there is something somewhere in between, I don’t know, but I do know that this has been true for myself. When I do not take caring for my mind, my insides, and my body seriously, I tend to quickly get angry, depressed, anxious, and it spreads to my family. When I take care of myself, I have so much more energy and capacity to take care of my family in the way that I actually want to.
This is why I believe so deeply in the work I do, because when you care for yourself mentally, emotionally, physically, you show up for yourself and the loved ones in your life so much more. Truly, this is the love you can give yourself, and your family.
From my own experience, it feels horrible to give with resentment. It feels horrible to do the actions I should do just because I know I should. I want to do the actions because I want to, because that’s what I truly want to do and show my love to my spouse or my kids that way. This doesn’t mean to nix the actions, sometimes it just means taking care of yourself, so you can take care of your family in the way that you want to.
This can look a few different ways, but it’s first something that you have to get honest about in yourself. If you are feeling depleted, what are the ways that you are not taking care of yourself?Are you waiting for someone else to take care of you? Your husband maybe? Maybe you are waiting for someone else to give you permission to do the things you want to do, I know I’ve done this countless times. Maybe, just maybe, you can give this to yourself.
If you are ready to begin giving with love, compassion, energy. If you want to fill your cup up and stop putting yourself last and giving resentfully in your life, take a moment to see where you can begin to fill your cup up. I have a few different ways I can work with you to support you, including Grieving Moms Haven, 1:1 coaching, and I’m very excited about the in person retreat coming up in October. This retreat is for grieving moms, and it’s taking place on October 28th-30th in Menahga, MN. It’s a place where we will do healing work, connect and talk about loss, but also hope. It’s a place of encouragement and tools to support you as you ride the waves of grief.
If you have felt like you can never make time for your grief, for you, and you feel so down and resentful in your life, I would love to encourage you to come join us in this very special weekend! You can go to www.meganhillukka.com/retreat to join!
If you like this podcast, and found it helpful, I want to invite you come check out Grieving Moms Haven, my monthly community for Grieving moms, where you can learn positive coping mechanisms, find a safe space with others who understand, and learn life long skills that support you as you learn how to carry this weight of grief in your life.
There are group coaching calls where we do guided meditations, tapping meditations, breathwork, and just talk, knowing that everyone in the group is also walking the path of child loss
You can come check out Grieving Moms Haven at www.grievingmomshaven.com
