95 : What are you focusing on in Grief?

Episode Pointers:

• In grief, we often focus on its negative side. We think that life has to be suffering, life awful and horrible for the rest of our lives. It’s also easy to think that people are rude, mean, and they don’t care.

• It’s easy for us to focus and give our energy to the people who are not helping us rather than those people who have helped, support, and comfort us in our grief journey.

• Here’s the thing about focus. The more you focus on something, the more you find more of it. 

• If you can find reasons to focus on to be grateful for the people who have shown up to help and for the things in your life that you still have, you can find gratitude and you can focus on the help you’ve got.

• This is not about toxic positivity or ignoring hard things, it’s about where is your focus? What are you noticing? Do you have a habit of noticing all the problems and how you are inadequate or not doing good enough?

•  This is how our brain works. It’s the way our brains filter through things that seem irrelevant or unimportant so we don’t notice them until we shift our focus on that.

• Take notice of how far you’ve come. Sometimes, it’s so helpful to look back and notice how far you’ve come. How much you’ve changed, and how much strength you’ve gained, when you have gone through something that you thought you wouldn’t be able to survive.

• It’s extremely helpful to notice and take a little time to focus on how I have gotten through, how I have been able to survive, instead of focusing on how I was messing up, how I wasn’t grieving correctly, and how I could be doing better.

• Take a moment and find the good in your life friend. What you focus on expands- remember that. You focus on the problems, all you will find are problems. You focus on the good things happening, you will begin to see more of that.

If you want more tools to help you, I have a workshop called Stop Talking Start Feeling, it’s a workshop that dives into emotions, what they are, and how you can begin to feel and process them and get them out of your body instead of stuffing them down. It also goes specifically into processing and releasing the emotions of guilt and sadness. You can get access to this workshop and all the extra things I have in there for only $27. Go to www.meganhillukka.com/workshop to check it out. 

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

94: In the Blink of an Eye with Tina Kadish

“This is the biggest challenge. I've had other challenges in my life but this is far above any challenge that I've had, and any challenge that I think I will have in the future.”

• Tina Kadish

Episode Pointers:

•  So you don't give up hope. And that's the thing. You keep fighting, fighting, fighting to the end

• I'm still trying to understand why. But I have to surrender, that my life will be without her for the rest of my life. And hopefully, I will see her again.

•  So my faith has been very important during this time, but it's been questioned. I've been questioning my faith. 

• I still believe in the power of prayer. I really do. And that's what gets me through the days.

• You’ve got to watch your anger in a sense. How are you channeling your anger? Are you channeling it in a positive way? Or are you channeling in a negative way? Nothing's going to come out of it. If I punch the top door out, right. I'll get in trouble. 

•  What I'm learning is that every day, you're going to miss them. Every day you're coping, it's like that you have pain every day. This is just the pain that is more of a sadness, of missing her. And knowing that every day for the rest of my life, she will not be with me anymore, I will not see her grow up, she will not, we will not be spending more time together. 

• Sometimes we tend to blame, there's always somebody to blame.

• I cannot live my life every day in bed, I mean I could, but I choose not to and wallow in self-pity. That's not going to be productive. Depression, I mean, you could get depressed about it. You know, and I try not to, you know, as well. 

• It's okay to be sad. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be angry. It's okay. But don't stay in that emotion every single day.

• We all have this anger. Think of it as like energy that comes up in your body. And we look to who we could direct this anger at. So sometimes it's  God, sometimes it's at our child, sometimes at ourselves, sometimes at somebody who kind of played a role in our child's death.

• I have other people that I love. So I also need to think of myself and live my life but there's also that survivor's guilt. Like, I'm alive, but she's passed away, it should have been the other way around. I shouldn't have outlived my daughter. You know, so that's an emotion too.

• Well, now I feel that I've changed is that every day, you want to be grateful. And that life is precious

•  I've always believed, don't hold grudges, love unto others, be grateful.

•  Spending more time with the people that you love is so important, and just don't sweat the small stuff. You get through this. I believe you can get through pretty much anything in your life. You really can. 

• Maybe this was meant to happen. It was my daughter's time. This was God's plan. Whatever it is, everybody's here for a period of time. Hers was cut short, for whatever reason. And that's, you know, a struggle. 

• And that's the thing, we are not in control. We have to let go, surrender and say, “Okay, God, you know, I don't know why, but I'm hoping that I'll find out the why.”

• Give yourself grace. Yeah, you know, give yourself permission to rest, self-care. That's another thing I've learned more is to care for yourself more. 

•  I've learned as I said, is to really appreciate every day that our life can change in the blink of an eye. And to be mindful, and you know, just go outside, and enjoy.

• Forgiveness is huge.  I don't want to hold on to that for you know, lack of forgiveness because it's going to hurt me. It's going to poison me.

•  If they feel alone in their pain, I would say find a community of support where others are experiencing the same thing because we can learn from each other. We can share tips, resources, tools, you know like you mentioned. So don't feel that you are alone because there's someone else going through it.

Her Recommended Books:

• On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler Ross

• On Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler Ross

• It's Not Supposed to Be This Way by Lysa TerKeurst

You can contact her through the following:

• Website: www.lifeisideal.com

• Email: tina@lifeisideal.com

• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/LifeIsIdeal/

• Linkedin: www.linkedin.com/in/tinakadish

If you want more tools to help you, I have a workshop called Stop Talking Start Feeling, it’s a workshop that dives into emotions, what they are, and how you can begin to feel and process them and get them out of your body instead of stuffing them down. It also goes specifically into processing and releasing the emotions of guilt and sadness. You can get access to this workshop and all the extra things I have in there for only $27. Go to www.meganhillukka.com/workshop to check it out. 

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

93: What do I do with my child’s things?

Episode Pointers: 

• There are certain things that we want to be gone right away, especially those things connected to their death.

• In other people’s experience, there are other people who came into their lives and pushed them to get rid of things or pushed them to pack away their child’s clothes when they weren’t ready yet. And, they regretted it or they had to go back and redo it by themselves.

• There’s a thing called linking objects. It is when you begin to connect to your dead child through certain things.

  Here are some ideas on what to do with their things:

  1. Made a quilt out of their clothes.

  2. Give some of their things to other children to use.

  3. Reusing clothes for your other children (If you feel okay with that.)

  4. Creating their bedroom into a way to remember them.

  5. Making a blanket out of their clothes.

• You have the option and right to do nothing.

• You don’t have to throw anything away if you don’t want to. You can begin to put the things into storage. You can take them out anytime if you wanted to.

• Whatever you choose, there is no right or wrong way to deal with your child’s things. What’s very important is listening to your gut.

If you want more tools to help you, I have a workshop called Stop Talking Start Feeling, it’s a workshop that dives into emotions, what they are, and how you can begin to feel and process them and get them out of your body instead of stuffing them down. It also goes specifically into processing and releasing the emotions of guilt and sadness. You can get access to this workshop and all the extra things I have in there for only $27. Go to www.meganhillukka.com/workshop to check it out. 

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

92: STOP TALKING, START FEELING

Episode Pointers:

• Stop Talking Start Feeling is a mini-program that helps you process the emotions inside of your body.

• Many grieving mothers and other people have tried everything but they still failed to process their grief. They still don’t know what to do.

• I’ve noticed that we get too focused on talking or trying to get through the experience. We forget that we need to sit with it and feel it too.

There are 2 ways in Processing Grief:

1. Top-Down Processing - is where you work through this from the top.

 Examples :  therapy, talking, thinking,etc.

1. Bottom-Up Processing - is where you physically feel and experience the emotions, the energy in your body. This is being present with the anxiety, the sadness, the guilt, the anger, whatever is coming up for you in your body.

Examples:  yoga, E.F.T, mindfulness, Somatic Experiencing, meditation, etc.

• The whole purpose of Stop Talking Start Feeling is to give you the tools to process these seemingly too big emotions.

• Imagine a wave of grief that comes crashing over you. If you just relax in it and learn to ride the wave, it’s easier, and then the wave flows out. It comes in and flows out.

If you want to dive in, go to www.stoptalkingstartfeeling.com- don’t hesitate if you have been struggling with the emotions of grief, or feel like the sadness or guilt is overwhelming you and keeping you very stuck. Why not get a life jacket you can wear when a grief wave comes and learn tools to support yourself.

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

91: Grounding Your Nervous System with Amisha Klawonn

Episode Notes:

• When we started to get people into their bodies, into their breath, and just feeling what they needed to feel, they got better, and faster.

• Yoga Therapy really looks at the person as a whole.

•  We all have these different sides and these different pieces of us. But sometimes we look at them separately. Therapy helps you look at all of those different pieces of yourself.

Nervous System Grounding:

• Our nervous system is the piece of us that gives us the resilience and the bandwidth to deal with things that happen in our lives. And so any sort of trauma, any sort of trauma is going to activate that system. 

• And so your nervous system is on alert all the time. So what that's going to look like is little things that make you that that normally would not have made you anxious might make you anxious, 

Ways in Grounding your Nervous System:

1. Try a Guided  Meditation/ Sit in silence

2. Walking meditation

3. Body Scan

4. Breath Work ( Stimulating Breath Work and Calming Breath Work)

• For example, Alternate Nostril Breathing ( Do it 10 times every morning, before anxiety is at its peak.)

How to get restorative sleep:

1. As soon as you get up, get sunlight. This starts to set up your circadian rhythm.

2. Get out of bed, put your feet on the ground, and take a couple of deep breaths.

3. Work with a mantra. ( I am strong. I am in control today. I am safe. I am okay.)

4. Move your body at least 30 minutes a day.

5. Get off the screen two hours before bedtime.

6. Get blue blocker glasses/blue light glasses.

You can connect with Amisha through the following:

Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/centered_mama/

Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/Onenessphysicaltherapy/

Website: www.onenesspt.com

Her Recommended Books:

1. The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown

2. The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy

If you want more tools to help you, I have a workshop called Stop Talking Start Feeling, it’s a workshop that dives into emotions, what they are, and how you can begin to feel and process them and get them out of your body instead of stuffing them down. It also goes specifically into processing and releasing the emotions of guilt and sadness. You can get access to this workshop and all the extra things I have in there for only $27. Go to www.meganhillukka.com/workshop to check it out. 

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

Some links may contain affiliate links in which I receive a small commission if you decide to purchase something, this helps support the grief work I'm doing.

90: Radical Responsibility

Episode Pointers:

• I know how quickly we can begin to pick apart and judge ourselves. 

• I want you to look at yourself and your life with curiosity and ask:

• Where can I take responsibility? 

• Where is it not my responsibility to take?

• Do  I need to set up boundaries?

• When your cup is full, you cannot learn anything new.I hope you can open your heart and mind to talking about responsibility today.

What does it mean to take responsibility? There’s a term called taking radical responsibility. That you take responsibility for everything in your life. 

• We wait for others to be better, and blame them for our problems. We do not have control over other people's actions or emotions. If we spend our lives trying to control how other people are going to act or feel, we lead a very depressing life because we have no control over that. 

• The only person that you have control over, is you. You are the only person that can be responsible for your emotions, your thoughts, and your actions. Underneath that, is that no one else can make you feel or act a certain way.

• It’s easy to blame others who make you sad, angry, frustrated and things like that. And this doesn’t mean you can’t have conversations about how you are feeling, or boundaries or anything like that. But that you have thoughts about what happened, and that’s what causes the emotion.

• How does this relate to grief? Grief magnifies everything. It makes our emotions bigger, it makes our actions more extreme, it makes what triggers us more intense, it makes our reactions and responses more intense.

• I know it feels easier to blame others. It’s easier to play victim and blame everyone else, instead of diving into the work. 

• We all get to make the choice in how we move forward in our lives.

When you say you are not making a choice, you are making a choice. You make a choice to get up or stay down. Not choosing or giving up, is also a choice. So whatever you decide, this is the choice you make.

• You can make choices that help you where you want to go, or choices that cause a lot more pain to you and the ones you love. 

• This is how you can begin to take responsibility in your life. Taking responsibility gives you freedom and the ability to make the changes you want, because you are not waiting for someone else to come in and do it for you. You can immediately start to judge yourself and the choices you have made in your grief journey thus far, or you can decide that taking responsibility is empowering and gives you the reins back in your life to get up and start taking steps to where you want to go.

•  When taking responsibility, you can also draw boundaries and you do not need to take on things that are not yours.

If you are ready to do this work, and you want a guide and a coach to help you sift through the emotions, the thoughts, and all the things that are keeping you stuck where you are at and from fully living your life even though the worst has happened, check out www.carryinggriefcoaching.com to learn how you can work 1:1 with me and I can help guide you through this.

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

89: Anger and Acting Out in Grief

Episode Pointers:

• Grief does not give us the right to lash out at others. It does not give us a free pass on acting in whatever way we want.

• Lashing out to others and using your anger to hurt others only hurts you more. 

• Anger truly is an emotion that can explode and destroy so many things. It can come out as boiling frustration, explosive anger, resentment, or many other ways. Underneath anger is so many things- the lack of control over the situation, stress, fear, worry.

• The anger, bitterness, frustration. All of that can come with grief. It’s so normal. It comes from this immense loss of control that we have over our lives. 

• I do believe that God is the giver and taker of life, then why wouldn’t I be angry at him?

 I didn’t really feel I was angry at God, but wouldn’t that make sense? It didn’t mean I questioned his plan, or that I thought he was wrong, I was just angry that this was the way it was.

• Anger in grief is so normal and it can show up in many ways. Anger at God, anger at a person, including the person who died. Anger at others. Anger at yourself. Anger at nothing, but everything.

• You might not realize that you have anger. You might be in a place where anger is a bad way to feel and you don’t want to sit with it. It feels better to pretend you are not angry so you shove it under the rug and then maybe you are a better person because you are not angry.

But let me ask you this, just because you push the anger down and pretend it’s not there, does that make the anger go away? 

Or does it just make you fight the energy of the anger more and make it more stressful?

• Allowing yourself to process, sit with, and release the anger without judgement is an incredible way to help yourself and in turn be the kind of person you want to be to those around you.

Tips in Dealing with Anger:

1. Notice what your emotional patterns are.

• What 3 emotions do you feel every day? 

• What 3 emotions come up for you the most often?

2. Anger Release Meditation

3.Find a way to release the built up tension in a healthy manner:

• High intensity things - running, biking, punching

• Writing

• Screaming

• Punching bag

4. Allow the anger to surface and release from your body:

•  Notice what you want to do when you feel the anger in your body.

•  Notice how you act, or want to respond. 

•  Notice where the anger is in your body.

•  Notice the sensations, the intensity, how it feels.

•  Notice if you clench your jaw, or your fists, if your shoulders go up.

•  Get really present with how your body feels with anger.

5. Imagine the anger is like energy in your body. If you stuff it down, it will just fester in your body and explode out

• What is the thought that is driving the anger? 

• What are the thoughts there behind it?

6. Understand that no matter who/what your anger is directed at right now, know that it is not the reason why you are angry. 

Anger will not just go away by itself. It’s a very powerful emotion and a very damaging emotion if we don’t properly deal with it. Allow yourself to feel and process anger. 

I want to encourage you to use these tools that I have offered, to at least take one of them, and begin to release and hold space for the anger inside of you. If you want guidance and 1:1 coaching to help you work through this- you can go to www.carryinggriefcoaching.com to learn more about how you can work with me. I want you to remember that there is no shame or judgement here, but how important it is to get curious with your anger and the energy of anger in your body, so you can continue to strive to be the best mom you can be.

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

Some links may contain affiliate links in which I receive a small commission if you decide to purchase something, this helps support the grief work I'm doing.

88: Suicide, Reiki and death With Sharon Ehlers

Episode Pointers:

• Guilty blame and self blame will really rip you apart. 

• Joining a  group/community who has gone through the same experience with you will make you feel less lonely.

• There's different timing, divine timing for different people. Definitely.

• When you're having a difficult time, these energy centers in your body get stuck. It gets stuck mostly in our heart and our lungs. That’s the reason why most of the people who are grieving experiences chest pains and difficulty in breathing.

• If you balance the physical, the emotional, and the spiritual components of grief, and you address all three of them at the same time, that you can actually have the tools that you need to kind of keep your head above water, and tread.

• It doesn't cure grief. Nothing cures grief, but it keeps you in a place where you have the stamina to be able to deal with it.

• Being a Death Midwife/Death Doula is giving a person who is dying tools that they can use to help themselves through that transition process.

• Anam Cara is somebody that navigates through, navigates a dying loved one in their families through death, right through death, and then after death.

Her Recommendations:

Favorite Books:

1. On Death and Dying by  Elizabeth Kubler Ross

2. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Her Books:

1. Grief Reiki

2. Grief Diaries:Lost by Suicide

Support Group:

1. Didi Hirsch S. Mark Taper Foundation Center 

Her Social Media Accounts:

• Instagram: www.instagram.com/griefreiki

• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/griefreiki

• Twitter : https://twitter.com/griefreiki?lang=en

• Website:www.grief-reiki.com

If you want more tools to help you, I have a workshop called Stop Talking Start Feeling, it’s a workshop that dives into emotions, what they are, and how you can begin to feel and process them and get them out of your body instead of stuffing them down. It also goes specifically in to processing and releasing the emotions of guilt and sadness. You can get access to this workshop and all the extra things I have in there for only $27. Go to www.meganhillukka.com/workshop to check it out. 

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

Some links may contain affiliate links in which I receive a small commission if you decide to purchase something, this helps support the grief work I'm doing.