87: Are You Keeping Busy?

Have you been busy all day, you exhaust yourself so that at night hopefully you can be so exhausted you just fall asleep without having to think about your dear child? 

I get it. I’ve been there, there is absolutely no judgement from me. 

But when does it end?

Is this kind of behavior sustainable?

Is this the way you want to keep living the rest of your life? 

Where every single day the goal is to not stop because if you stop , you start to think or feel something painful. So, do you keep busy?

Keeping busy feels good, because it feels like you are doing something, when with grief there’s not much you can quote unquote do. There’s nothing you can change, and so keeping busy helps keep your mind off of what is going on.

And we get this advice all the time from well meaning people. “Just keep busy so you don’t have to think about it. Maybe you should get a job so you can keep busy.” I think this is some of the most damaging advice we can give to grievers and tell ourselves.

Keeping busy feels good, because it keeps you from thinking or feeling things that are painful. It’s scary to think that if you start to get depressed you will never come out of it. That if you start to feel something, you will be stuck in that forever. Yes, if you don’t have the tools and skills to move through it, it’s easy to get stuck, which is why I would encourage you to join me in Stop Talking Start Feeling, where you can begin to process and work through things in a slow way- you can go to www.meganhillukka.com/workshop to join there, or else make sure you have a guide who is walking alongside of you, who knows how to help you through this experience of pain, and the thoughts that come with grief.

Is this the way you want to keep living?

Understanding that this is a coping mechanism is hugely important, and might help you loosen some judgment you might have about yourself.

 First start with- getting curious. Is this how I’m coping with my grief?

 Is this a way I’m trying to manage all the thoughts and emotions that feel so overwhelming for me?

Remember, in order to let go of this coping mechanism, it’s important to begin to build tools and skills in another way, so that you can handle and process the emotions and thoughts that right now feel so scary. So you don’t need to do everything at once, and you don’t need to try to drink from a fire hose. Make little changes, and slowly you can begin to shift from keeping busy and running yourself ragged every day, to having skills and tools to process what’s going on inside.

What would your life look like if you didn’t need to run yourself into exhaustion every day?

What would your relationships look like? 

What would you do with your life? 

Some ways you can begin to shift from keeping busy, to connecting with your emotions:

1. Start to notice when a thought comes, or an emotion starts to come up, and you shove it down. You don’t have to do anything with it yet, but start to notice how often you do that, and what the thought or emotion is.

2. Start saying no more often. Your energy tank is already beyond empty. Grief empties your emotional tank and energy tank and the capacity you have to give to others right now. You may feel like you want to give, but you might be giving from a place of exhaustion, rather than a place of true service. I do not know, you have to look at your own self to know what’s true for you. But I would encourage you to be mindful of where you put your energy, and start seeing where you can cut back and begin to make more space in your life, so you can start to care for yourself and your grief.

3. Get curious with how you are acting in your life. Notice if you are keeping busy, and imagine watching yourself from above yourself as you go about your day. Watching how when something happens, that you immediately have to go clean, or when you get worked up, you keep busy in a certain way. Just get curious and start becoming aware of your patterns.

   It’s so important to not bring judgement into the picture when you do this. 

So often, when we become aware of our actions, emotions, or thoughts, we start to judge ourselves. 

What’s wrong with me?

Why don't other moms think that way?

What kind of person does that? 

But lead with curiosity, and let yourself be open to learning how you are doing things, because it is from that place that you can begin to change things. 

When you put judgement on it, all you want to do is shove it back down and hide. Bring it out into the open, and get curious. 

Are you someone who keeps busy?

 Share in the Facebook group what you learned in this episode, and what small steps you are going to take today, slow down and begin to make time for your emotions, your thoughts, and your grief.

If you want more tools to help you, I have a workshop called Stop Talking Start Feeling, it’s a workshop that dives into emotions, what they are, and how you can begin to feel and process them and get them out of your body instead of stuffing them down. It also goes specifically into processing and releasing the emotions of guilt and sadness. You can get access to this workshop and all the extra things I have in there for only $27. Go to www.stoptalkingstartfeeling.com to check it out. 

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

Some links may contain affiliate links in which I receive a small commission if you decide to purchase something, this helps support the grief work I'm doing.

86: Physical Sickness in Grief

In this episode, we are going to talk about how grief affects our health physically.

Episode Pointers:

• Grief, trauma, anxiety, and everything that came in between can cause stress. It will then manifest into physical symptoms. Thus, Grief can show up physically in our bodies.

• Emotions have a big role inside our bodies.  So, processing  your emotions are very important in dealing with grief.

• When you are stressed, have anxiety, fear, and of those emotions that put stress on your body, your immune system is lowered. So, you have a bigger chance of getting sick. It’s very common to feel all of those things after your child dies, your body has never had to go through such an painfully emotional experience.

• Emotions are truly a physical thing. Your body is connected with your emotions. Learn to sit with your emotions, feel, process, and experience them physically. 

• According to the Emotion Code by Dr. Bradley Nelson, emotions can get trapped in your body, and then that part of your body can become physically sick. Think of the Broken Heart Syndrome. Your heart hurts so bad, that your heart begins to actually get stressed and sick.

• Other grieving moms feel these common symptoms: a pain in their chest, or their body, or horrific pain in their stomach, headache and more . And no matter how many medications they take, or they go to their doctor, and there’s nothing wrong with them. They can’t find a physical reason why they are wrong. It is when we need to take a look at the emotions inside of our bodies and answer these questions:

•  What emotion is there in that part of your body?

•  How can you begin to care for yourself?

•  How can you release that emotion that’s trapped there?

• In the Emotion Code, it says that grief often settles into the lungs. And, a common thing that happens is that it’s hard to breathe when you are grieving. It’s like there is a big weight on your chest and you cannot get a full breath of air. I definitely had this, and when I would try to do a meditation or something like that where they had you breath in for 5 and out for 7, I was like what in the world? I can only breathe in for 3, it was really hard to get a full breath of air. 

Here are some ways you can support your body to prevent it from experiencing physical responses:

• Accept that it’s part of your grief journey. There’s nothing wrong with you.

• Start to notice ways you can slow down, and care for the grief inside of your body. My mini-workshop, STOP TALKING, START FEELING is a great place to start to begin to learn how to process the emotions inside of you and let them flow instead of staying stuck. You can get that by going to www.stoptalkingstartfeeling.com

• Try to get more sleep - refer to my episode ( Episode 85 ) about sleep last week to help with ideas on how to do that.

• Drink water, eat healthier as you can, and do the best you can.

• Get support and help from those around you, and lean onto others as much as you can, because you don’t need to do this all alone right now. Eventually the goal is to be able to stand on your own two feet again, but right now, allow the people around you to help you, and invest in help and support for yourself as well. 
  

• Make major changes in your life.

This is uncharted territory for you, and so give yourself grace as you navigate through it. And as you learn what works for you, and how you can begin to process the emotions.

I truly believe that physical symptoms, and emotional symptoms are all related. So caring for what’s going on inside of you, will certainly help with the physical symptoms you are feeling in your body.

Recommended book :  The Emotion Code by Dr. Bradley Nelson

If you want more tools to help you, I have a workshop called Stop Talking Start Feeling, it’s a workshop that dives into emotions, what they are, and how you can begin to feel and process them and get them out of your body instead of stuffing them down. It also goes specifically into processing and releasing the emotions of guilt and sadness. You can get access to this workshop and all the extra things I have in there for only $27. Go to www.stoptalkingstartfeeling.com to check it out. 

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

Some links may contain affiliate links in which I receive a small commission if you decide to purchase something, this helps support the grief work I'm doing.

85: Tips for Getting Sleep When Grief Keeps You Awake

EPISODE POINTERS:

Sleep is a place where our bodies heal, process trauma and information that we’ve experienced in our lives. Sleep is so healthy for us to get but what do you do when you can’t sleep at all? 

Here are my tips for you :

1.Brain Dumping  

This is especially helpful for when you try to lay down and you cannot turn your brain off. When all the things going through your head are on repeat and you can’t sleep, you should try it. Brain dumping is where you just take everything that’s going on in your head and put it on to a piece of paper. For some reason, writing it down helps lessen the racing in your mind. Write for as long as you need, and keep the journal by your bed, so that you can continue to get things out of your head as needed.

2. Prescribed Sleep Medicines 

For a time period, I needed to take something to help me sleep. I had originally asked my midwife for a medication that was safe in pregnancy. In the meantime, I never ended up taking it because I found other things that work. Like I say- I’m not a medical professional and I’m not giving you medical advice, but this is what I ended up doing for a little while to help me sleep. I took Melatonin, along with Tylenol PM. I also had to sleep in my own room because of my trauma. I could not sleep with anyone else. Otherwise, I spent the whole night checking on everyone around me. 

3.Essential Oils :

I used an essential oil called Tranquil from Plant Therapy. I have used this ever since Aria died, and anytime I have insomnia. It’s amazing. I put a dab behind each ear and a dab on the sole of each foot. This has helped me in many ways get a good night's rest.

Recommendation : Plant Therapy Tranquil Essential Oil Blend

4. Magnesium Lotion

I’m not sure why I started trying this in the first place, but I had made a foot salve that had magnesium in it. And ever since then, I’ve noticed that when I put that on my feet as well right before bed, I’m able to fall asleep much faster, and be able to stay asleep longer. I made my own magnesium foot salve, but you can buy it online somewhere. I’ve also bought it from a local shop that sells lots of natural products.

5. Rescue Remedy/ Rescue Sleep 

Another product I’ve used, not for myself, but for my kids who have been affected by sleep, anxiety, or nightmares, I’ve given them Rescue Remedy. You can buy this online, or at Whole Foods or Fresh Thyme or that kind of place. I’ve been absolutely amazed by how when I give this to my kids after a nightmare or they can’t sleep, it’s been so helpful. For some reason I’ve never thought to take it myself, maybe because I have so many other things to help me.

6.Gratitude

So often when we go to bed in a state of not enough, we cannot fall asleep. Because there are so many things that are keeping us awake, so many things to do, so many worries to think about, we cannot shut off our brains. Practicing and feeling gratitude right before bed has helped my body so much in calming down and actually falling asleep much faster than I normally would. With this, you can think of things that you are grateful for, and really practice allowing gratitude to fill your body, and getting present with what gratitude feels like in your body.

7.Visualization

Something I’ve recently found that has been helpful for me in falling asleep has been Visualization. This can depend on where you are in your grief journey. If this even feels possible for you, but you can imagine something. I do a visualization of something I’m dreaming about in my future, something I’m excited about. And I visualize it as if it’s already happening, so I can enjoy the feelings of being here. It feels good and I enjoy it. If it’s hard to think about something that you are excited about in your future right now, you can visualize yourself being in a place that you’ve been that brought you contentment and peace. You can bring yourself to that place and really imagine yourself being in that place. For me, that has been on a beach that I’ve been to, where I really felt peace and contentment. I can bring myself back there and then I start to feel that in my body as well. Then that helps me get to a place of okay, now my body is ready to go to sleep.

8.Keep your phone away at bedtime

Not looking at my phone or any sort of screen before bed has been helpful. I’ve been trying to make a habit of plugging it in the kitchen a few hours before bed, and turning it on airplane mode and not looking at it again. This doesn’t always happen, but it happens often enough for me to notice a big difference in my quality of sleep and how long it takes me to fall asleep.

9.Good Sleeping Environment

This might be a personal preference, but also creating a sleeping environment that feels good for you. Notice temperature, lightness, noise, and things like that. I need a fan running to make the room cooler. It should be pitch dark and I wear an eye mask.

If you want more tools to help you, I have a workshop called Stop Talking Start Feeling, it’s a workshop that dives into emotions, what they are, and how you can begin to feel and process them and get them out of your body instead of stuffing them down. It also goes specifically into processing and releasing the emotions of guilt and sadness. You can get access to this workshop and all the extra things I have in there for only $27. Go to www.stoptalkingstartfeeling.com to check it out. 

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

Some links may contain affiliate links in which I receive a small commission if you decide to purchase something, this helps support the grief work I'm doing.

84: The Layers of grief with Erica McAfee

In this episode, Erica McAfee shared her grief journey, her different layers of grief, and how she used them and got inspired to create a maternal child health company for Black women, the Sisters in Loss.

At the age of 14, She first experienced grief when her father died. For many reasons specific to her own grief journey, her grief didn't fully express itself until the death of her 2 angels. The grief that she had felt before somewhat accumulated. She realized that she needed to face grief. She was able to accept it and process her emotions. 

Episode Pointers:

• Grief is always there. Grief is with us forever. You need to face grief at some point.

• If something else traumatic does happen to us like a loss of someone, recognize the feelings that we were feeling at that time and how do we move forward with those feelings so that we can continue on with our life.

• Some people get stuck in grief, and really have this fog that comes over them. They just need additional help to get and remove that fog.Having trusted confidants, counselors and therapists that can help you move that fog away is so important. 

• Grief is gonna come and it’s gonna hit us. When it does;

  • Do we recognize it?

  • Do we understand what’s happening?

  • Are we okay to articulate how we feel in those moments?

  • Are we just gonna be mad at the world because of the traumatic thing or the loss that is happening?

• Hospitals have many resources for grieving moms. They have lists for funeral homes, grave sites for infants, the chance to have your baby’s picture taken or a mold of his/her feet. These are very helpful in supporting grieving moms.

•  There’s so much power in the spoken word and being able to share about something that is deep, and dark, and shameful. The stories of each individual help them to be free and also help free someone else on the other line who’s listening.

• You’d never know how you’re going to relate to someone's story. They could be completely different from yours but there may be one little thing in their story that touches you that gives you a glimmer of hope or a glimmer of joy.

• There’s something about hearing other people's stories that make you feel less alone.

• Celebrate your pregnancy. Document all the milestones of your pregnancy journey. It will keep you hopeful of your pregnancy.

• When anxiety creeps up, lean on your faith. Pray and trust God that you would not go through with the same bad thing again.

• Make sure that you trust your doctor, and that your doctor actually knows you, and wants to fight for you in the situation where you’re unconscious, and they are trying to literally save your life.

• Be comfortable with your health care providers and build a birth team around you, together with your partner. They will help you in navigating the feelings that you may be going through in your pregnancy journey.

• To those who are struggling and feel really alone in their pain, the way you’re feeling right now is normal. Explore that grief more deeply by talking to someone who is a trusted confidant or like a licensed mental health professional.

• Support is sexy. You need a community around you to support you through this journey no matter where you are. So, find your tribe and love one of them hard.

You can connect with Erica through the following:

• Instagram:www.instagram.com/sistersinLoss

• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/sistersinloss/

• Website:  www.sistersinloss.com

• Youtube : Sisters in Loss TV

• Podcast :  https://sistersinloss.com/blog/

Recommended book : 

The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks

If you want more tools to help you, I have a workshop called Stop Talking Start Feeling, it’s a workshop that dives into emotions, what they are, and how you can begin to feel and process them and get them out of your body instead of stuffing them down. It also goes specifically into processing and releasing the emotions of guilt and sadness. You can get access to this workshop and all the extra things I have in there for only $27. Go to www.stoptalkingstartfeeling.com to check it out. 

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

Some links may contain affiliate links in which I receive a small commission if you decide to purchase something, this helps support the grief work I'm doing.

83: Having Another Baby After Loss

In today’s episode, we are going to talk about pregnancy after loss, specifically the fear of having another baby.

Episode Pointers:

• I’ve talked to many women who are terrified of having another baby. There are so many unknowns, so many things that they fear, including forgetting their baby that died. Maybe they feel like they are trying to replace their baby who died. Another is that they fear losing that baby and having to go through this pain again. 

• These fears stop grieving moms from having another baby because it’s so scary. It’s so unknown and we don’t know what a pregnancy is going to bring. 

• Fear is not the deciding factor of you having another baby or not because fear brings a lot of regret later on in your life.

•  If fear stops you from having another baby, then you never know what the experience would have been like. It is because you only experience it in your mind, which usually is a replay of the past, rather than allowing it to be the way it does happen in real life. 

• Pregnancy after loss is unlike other pregnancies, because once you know loss, you know anything can happen and that it does happen and that it did happen. It’s not just a what if, but it’s real.
  
  I know that getting pregnant doesn’t guarantee a living child, and even after that, our children can die. 

• Once you know deep loss, you can never have a “normal” pregnancy again. Just like you will never be your “normal” self again. It becomes your new normal. The way you experience pregnancy is different than before, and than others who have not had loss.

• We tend to judge this as a bad thing. We get angry that we have to have all these emotions and others don’t understand. It’s all part of your grief journey, but I’ve been thinking a lot lately. 

• Understanding that anxiety is normal, okay, and not a problem. Learn to sit with the anxiety you feel, and know that nothing has gone wrong. Of course you are worried, and even though the worry isn’t going to change the outcome, it’s still there. Be okay with it being there, and also use tools to support you.

• There is not a guarantee that everything will go smoothly or good in your pregnancy, but the reward of having another baby is so great. 

• Just because you have another baby doesn’t mean you stop grieving for your child who have died. But this baby can bring so much joy, yes pain too, but so much joy that helps you come out of deep grief a bit.

• The fears we have in our minds are not always our reality.

•  If you want to have more children, do the grief work. Process your emotions, get help for yourself emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. It will make the whole journey a lot lighter and easier. It doesn’t mean it’s easy, but it can get lighter.

• Quite honestly, I want you to know that pregnancy after loss is different. It comes with more fear and anxiety. It’s normal, and that’s okay. It’s a part of the process. But, find tools to support you, and surround yourself with people that support you, podcasts that support you, websites that support you, groups that support you, so that this fear doesn’t stop you from something you really want. 

Whatever you choose or decide, I want you to know that your grief journey is your own, and process a layer by layer and hold space for what’s going on inside of you.

If you want more tools to help you, I have a workshop called Stop Talking Start Feeling, it’s a workshop that dives into emotions, what they are, and how you can begin to feel and process them and get them out of your body instead of stuffing them down. It also goes specifically into processing and releasing the emotions of guilt and sadness. You can get access to this workshop and all the extra things I have in there for only $27. Go to www.stoptalkingstartfeeling.com to check it out. 

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

82: Encouragement to do Nothing

In this episode, we are going to talk about how taking breaks in your grief works.

Episode Pointers:

• It is a ton of work to manage your mind, your emotions, and sometimes you just want to throw it all out the window and just be where you are at. You recognize that you feel crappy, angry, depressed, but you just don’t want to do anything to change it right now. 

• I talk a lot about the healing work, effort, and mental and emotional work that comes with grief, but sometimes you just want to sit in the muck. Sometimes you just want to have a bad day.

•  We do not need to be happy all of the time. We do not even need to try to be happy all the time or enjoy and soak in every moment. Some moments are exhausting, tiring and you don’t have the energy to try anything else.

• It’s okay to not be doing grief work every moment of your life. It’s okay to zone out for a bit. It’s okay to numb scroll through FB or IG. It’s okay to have a day where you do nothing and sit around all day. Give yourself the break in that way too.

• You cannot be every single moment in the deep grief work. You cannot be in processing mode every second. 

It’s like you step back, take a break, and then you get back to it.

• Give yourself a moment to do whatever you want, that might not necessarily be what you want to choose all the time, but just feels like you need a day for it. 

If you are interested in tools for when you get back up from doing nothing, I have a workshop called Stop Talking Start Feeling, that dives into emotions and thoughts, and how they are so connected to your grief. Then there are sections specifically for guilt and sadness, and how you can begin to process and work through them. If you want to learn more about this workshop, it’s only $27 and you can go to www.stoptalkingstartfeeling.com to learn more!

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

81 : You Cannot Wish Trauma Away

Experiencing trauma or PTSD while grieving is so challenging. The pain is doubled. You need to deal both of these intense feelings. But how?

In this episode, we are going to talk about dealing with trauma while grieving. No matter how many wishes or prayers we need to do, it won’t go away without doing the right actions.

Episode Pointers:

After my daughter Aria died, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I had trauma from finding her after she died. For me, getting this diagnosis was helpful, in understanding what was going on with me. That I there wasn’t anything “wrong” with me in a way that can’t be helped, but that now I know why I’m acting the way I am, I can put a name to it, now let’s figure out how to get better.

• Grief is something that lasts a lifetime. Grief is something we learn to carry, it becomes a part of who you are. But trauma is something that can be healed. It’s something that you don’t need to live with forever.

Having flashbacks? Nightmares? Anxiety attacks? Anger outbursts? Inability to connect with loved ones? Always feel the need to be on guard? Scary easily? Avoid things that trigger you? The trauma repeats itself over and over again? And you’re just waiting for it to happen again, you believe it is happening again?

• This is trauma. Trauma is not something you can just wish away. It’s not something you can pray away. It’s not something you can just pray to God to help you through it.

• Trauma to your brain is invisible to others. Other people cannot see it. Yet- it’s very real and it absolutely will destroy every part of your life. 

• When I was in my state of trauma, I could not live. I told people this was not a way to live. I had a stress ball in my chest that was slowly killing me. I couldn’t connect with my husband. I could never relax. I lived in terror every moment of every day. I had to take a combination of melatonin, Tylenol pm to sleep at night. I was a wreck. Yet, it was trauma in my mind that made me that way.

Most of you know that my 15 month old daughter died in her sleep, but if you’re new here, that’s my story, and 4 weeks after she died, our next baby girl was born. So sleep became a huge issue for me. Someone had told me that they would put their baby down to bed, and make sure they were safe, and then they would put her in God’s hands. They would say okay, now God it’s up to you. I tried that.

I would put my daughter to sleep, and make sure she was as safe as I could make her, and then give it to God. But less than 5 minutes later I would pop up in an absolute panic, shaking her, my heart pounding, believing that she had died. This was my life. No prayers, thoughts can make it better.

• Get the help you need for trauma. This is not a way to live, and just pushing through every day will not make it better. You have to heal the trauma and help your body come out of a fight or flight state. Your body needs to know it’s safe and it’s okay to file that memory in the past. Trauma is not something to mess around with, or just push for another day. It truly matters, and it affects every portion of your life.

Some ideas to help with trauma: 

1. EMDR ( Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

2. Emotional Freedom Technique

3. Somatic Experiencing

4. Books related to Trauma :

 4.1. The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk

           4.2. Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by  Dr. Peter Levine

           4.3. Healing Trauma by  Dr. Peter Levine

One specific thing I learned from one of Dr. Peter Levine's books was this way of thinking of trauma. An animal in the wild, when it gets chased by a predator, and then gets away, all animals do this, they shake. They shake and shake afterward. This is the way they process the energy, adrenaline, and help their bodies get out of fight or flight mode back into “I’m safe” mode. 

• When you have trauma, you are stuck in the fight or flight mode, and cannot get into an “I’m safe” mode, no matter how hard to try or want to be. You have to process and release that trapped energy of the trauma response within your body similar to what an animal does in the wild, for your body to know that it’s safe.

• In order to feel safe to grieve, you have to finish the trauma cycle. Don’t put it off. Don’t try to wish it away, because trauma actually doesn’t go away on its own, and it can actually get more intense because you can get re-traumatized each time you relive it. So- get the help. You don’t need to do this alone and you don’t need to keep suffering.

If you want some extra guidance with grief, and to get access to some Emotional Freedom Technique (Tappings) that I have, I have a workshop called Stop Talking, Start Feeling, where it will help you begin to connect with your body, the emotions within, and begin to release the energy of emotions that are stuck in your body. This workshop specifically goes into the emotions of guilt and sadness, with so many other things. If you are interested in joining this workshop it’s only $27, and you can get it by going to www.stoptalkingstartfeeling.com

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

You can go here to find a therapist who is trained in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). This therapy was amazingly helpful for me with PTSD and lowering my symptoms to a livable level.

• www.emdr.com

• www.emdria.org

Some links may contain affiliate links in which I receive a small commission if you decide to purchase something, this helps support the grief work I'm doing.

80: How to Help Your Grieving Friend?

This episode is more speaking to those around you to learn about grief and how they can help and support you on your grief journey.

Episode Pointers:

• I often think that our brains are trying so hard to comprehend our loss, that there is no extra room for all the things that used to be easy in the past. It’s hard to keep up on bills, it’s hard to remember anything, it’s hard to keep track of anything, it’s a major feat to get the energy to clean the house. You can help so much by doing physical things for them. It’s always a good idea to check in and see if this would be helpful for them. 

•  Remember that something you think is helpful might not be helpful for them, so communication is very important. By communicating with them, and also offering tangible ways of helping, you are letting them know you are serious about helping. 

• So many times people say, “Let me know if you need any help.” This is not helpful.

• First, a grieving person doesn’t really even have the capacity to think about and know of what ways could be helpful. 

• Second, they are in such a vulnerable place they don’t know how to reach out and ask for help when they need it.

When you offer ideas of ways you can happily help, it’s a win for them and a win for you. 

• It’s so easy to post on Facebook or a group chat, “Sending prayers for you and your family”, then mentally check that box and move on. I want to encourage you that if you think of them throughout your day, or if you are remembering them in prayer especially many months or years down the road, that you send them a text letting them know. 

They do not know you are thinking of them, and many times grief can feel so lonely. Those messages of remembrance and love can really mean a lot. 

Physical Ways You Can Help:

1. Clean their house (Check with them first, there could be something left of their child’s that they do not want cleaned up or the memories wiped away).

2. Do grocery shopping.

3. Set up a meal train.

4. Set up babysitting for therapy, time together as husband and wife, time to go to the cemetery, time to be alone so they can grieve, for whatever they need.

5. Sit with them.

6. Include them in get togethers, even if they don’t come. (Don’t be offended. They might not be ready.)

7. Bring supper over, or meals for the freezer. 

8. Check in often with how they are doing.

9. Help financially with medical, or funeral costs. (Remember this can be very difficult for them to take because their child means more than any amount of money, and this money can feel horrible to get. I still believe it’s a good thing to send with no judgment of what they do with it.)

• As a part of your friend’s support system, it could be easy to get offended by what your friend does. Your friend might not appreciate the things you are bending over backwards trying to do for them, or they might not be able to express their thanks. But remember, your friend is in such a fragile time right now. They are shattered, emotionally fragile, and very vulnerable.

When there are those kinds of moments, try to remember to have empathy and compassion for them. They are being stretched and changed in ways they didn’t want, and so they might not act like themselves. 

• It’s the same compassion I hope your friend will have for you if you mess up, or do something that was not helpful for them. Please don’t take it personally if the things you offer or do to help are not well received. When you take offense, you are making their grief about yourself and this doesn’t help them. Of course, offer ideas of things you are able to help with, but if that’s not what they want, please don’t make things worse for them by expressing your annoyance that they don’t need that specific kind of help.

• IT’S OKAY TO CRY. Crying is a normal and natural release of emotion, and your friend probably has done a lot of crying. It’s not a bad thing. Society has taught us that crying is a weakness. It’s easy to get scared or want to run away from those emotions. 

When your friend cries in front of you, realize that you have the great honor of sitting with your friend in their pain.

• If they are comfortable crying with you, you have a special relationship that allows room for that. You are blessed. Those tears are coming for a reason, and it’s okay to embrace that. Remember, with these tears -- and in general when going to be with your friend -- that you don’t need to try to fix anything, or to make anything better. When they cry, it doesn’t mean you have to try to make them stop crying. 

• Your instinct might be to fill up the silence with words and change the mood of the moment. But remember this SILENCE IS OKAY. You do not need to fill every void or gap. This comes from a place of insecurity in yourself. You feel you need to say or do something to fix the situation and not make it so awkward. But many times, as the bereaved, we just need to know that we have the support and love from someone. We need to know that they love us enough to sit in silence and not need to fill the gaps. 

Silence is super powerful in grief. Next time you feel the need to say or do something because your friend is crying, remember it’s okay to just be with them as well, and allow space for them to talk if they need.

• IT’S OKAY TO LAUGH. When you see your friend smile and laugh, it’s okay that they are laughing. Laughter is a great relief from grief if it comes, but I can tell you the laughter is a different laughter than before. This laughter and smiles are tinged with grief and pain. The smile that you see does not show the depth of pain they are feeling, and the constant thoughts about their child.

I would love to offer you my workshop called STOP TALKING, START FEELING in which it gives you tools to understand your emotions and your thoughts, along with guided meditations, and ways to process specifically the emotions of guilt and sadness that come with grief.

If you are interested in joining this workshop it’s only $27, and you can get it by going to www.stoptalkingstartfeeling.com

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group:www.meganhillukka.com/community