81 : You Cannot Wish Trauma Away

Experiencing trauma or PTSD while grieving is so challenging. The pain is doubled. You need to deal both of these intense feelings. But how?

In this episode, we are going to talk about dealing with trauma while grieving. No matter how many wishes or prayers we need to do, it won’t go away without doing the right actions.

Episode Pointers:

After my daughter Aria died, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I had trauma from finding her after she died. For me, getting this diagnosis was helpful, in understanding what was going on with me. That I there wasn’t anything “wrong” with me in a way that can’t be helped, but that now I know why I’m acting the way I am, I can put a name to it, now let’s figure out how to get better.

• Grief is something that lasts a lifetime. Grief is something we learn to carry, it becomes a part of who you are. But trauma is something that can be healed. It’s something that you don’t need to live with forever.

Having flashbacks? Nightmares? Anxiety attacks? Anger outbursts? Inability to connect with loved ones? Always feel the need to be on guard? Scary easily? Avoid things that trigger you? The trauma repeats itself over and over again? And you’re just waiting for it to happen again, you believe it is happening again?

• This is trauma. Trauma is not something you can just wish away. It’s not something you can pray away. It’s not something you can just pray to God to help you through it.

• Trauma to your brain is invisible to others. Other people cannot see it. Yet- it’s very real and it absolutely will destroy every part of your life. 

• When I was in my state of trauma, I could not live. I told people this was not a way to live. I had a stress ball in my chest that was slowly killing me. I couldn’t connect with my husband. I could never relax. I lived in terror every moment of every day. I had to take a combination of melatonin, Tylenol pm to sleep at night. I was a wreck. Yet, it was trauma in my mind that made me that way.

Most of you know that my 15 month old daughter died in her sleep, but if you’re new here, that’s my story, and 4 weeks after she died, our next baby girl was born. So sleep became a huge issue for me. Someone had told me that they would put their baby down to bed, and make sure they were safe, and then they would put her in God’s hands. They would say okay, now God it’s up to you. I tried that.

I would put my daughter to sleep, and make sure she was as safe as I could make her, and then give it to God. But less than 5 minutes later I would pop up in an absolute panic, shaking her, my heart pounding, believing that she had died. This was my life. No prayers, thoughts can make it better.

• Get the help you need for trauma. This is not a way to live, and just pushing through every day will not make it better. You have to heal the trauma and help your body come out of a fight or flight state. Your body needs to know it’s safe and it’s okay to file that memory in the past. Trauma is not something to mess around with, or just push for another day. It truly matters, and it affects every portion of your life.

Some ideas to help with trauma: 

1. EMDR ( Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)

2. Emotional Freedom Technique

3. Somatic Experiencing

4. Books related to Trauma :

 4.1. The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk

           4.2. Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by  Dr. Peter Levine

           4.3. Healing Trauma by  Dr. Peter Levine

One specific thing I learned from one of Dr. Peter Levine's books was this way of thinking of trauma. An animal in the wild, when it gets chased by a predator, and then gets away, all animals do this, they shake. They shake and shake afterward. This is the way they process the energy, adrenaline, and help their bodies get out of fight or flight mode back into “I’m safe” mode. 

• When you have trauma, you are stuck in the fight or flight mode, and cannot get into an “I’m safe” mode, no matter how hard to try or want to be. You have to process and release that trapped energy of the trauma response within your body similar to what an animal does in the wild, for your body to know that it’s safe.

• In order to feel safe to grieve, you have to finish the trauma cycle. Don’t put it off. Don’t try to wish it away, because trauma actually doesn’t go away on its own, and it can actually get more intense because you can get re-traumatized each time you relive it. So- get the help. You don’t need to do this alone and you don’t need to keep suffering.

If you want some extra guidance with grief, and to get access to some Emotional Freedom Technique (Tappings) that I have, I have a workshop called Stop Talking, Start Feeling, where it will help you begin to connect with your body, the emotions within, and begin to release the energy of emotions that are stuck in your body. This workshop specifically goes into the emotions of guilt and sadness, with so many other things. If you are interested in joining this workshop it’s only $27, and you can get it by going to www.stoptalkingstartfeeling.com

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

You can go here to find a therapist who is trained in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). This therapy was amazingly helpful for me with PTSD and lowering my symptoms to a livable level.

• www.emdr.com

• www.emdria.org

Some links may contain affiliate links in which I receive a small commission if you decide to purchase something, this helps support the grief work I'm doing.

80: How to Help Your Grieving Friend?

This episode is more speaking to those around you to learn about grief and how they can help and support you on your grief journey.

Episode Pointers:

• I often think that our brains are trying so hard to comprehend our loss, that there is no extra room for all the things that used to be easy in the past. It’s hard to keep up on bills, it’s hard to remember anything, it’s hard to keep track of anything, it’s a major feat to get the energy to clean the house. You can help so much by doing physical things for them. It’s always a good idea to check in and see if this would be helpful for them. 

•  Remember that something you think is helpful might not be helpful for them, so communication is very important. By communicating with them, and also offering tangible ways of helping, you are letting them know you are serious about helping. 

• So many times people say, “Let me know if you need any help.” This is not helpful.

• First, a grieving person doesn’t really even have the capacity to think about and know of what ways could be helpful. 

• Second, they are in such a vulnerable place they don’t know how to reach out and ask for help when they need it.

When you offer ideas of ways you can happily help, it’s a win for them and a win for you. 

• It’s so easy to post on Facebook or a group chat, “Sending prayers for you and your family”, then mentally check that box and move on. I want to encourage you that if you think of them throughout your day, or if you are remembering them in prayer especially many months or years down the road, that you send them a text letting them know. 

They do not know you are thinking of them, and many times grief can feel so lonely. Those messages of remembrance and love can really mean a lot. 

Physical Ways You Can Help:

1. Clean their house (Check with them first, there could be something left of their child’s that they do not want cleaned up or the memories wiped away).

2. Do grocery shopping.

3. Set up a meal train.

4. Set up babysitting for therapy, time together as husband and wife, time to go to the cemetery, time to be alone so they can grieve, for whatever they need.

5. Sit with them.

6. Include them in get togethers, even if they don’t come. (Don’t be offended. They might not be ready.)

7. Bring supper over, or meals for the freezer. 

8. Check in often with how they are doing.

9. Help financially with medical, or funeral costs. (Remember this can be very difficult for them to take because their child means more than any amount of money, and this money can feel horrible to get. I still believe it’s a good thing to send with no judgment of what they do with it.)

• As a part of your friend’s support system, it could be easy to get offended by what your friend does. Your friend might not appreciate the things you are bending over backwards trying to do for them, or they might not be able to express their thanks. But remember, your friend is in such a fragile time right now. They are shattered, emotionally fragile, and very vulnerable.

When there are those kinds of moments, try to remember to have empathy and compassion for them. They are being stretched and changed in ways they didn’t want, and so they might not act like themselves. 

• It’s the same compassion I hope your friend will have for you if you mess up, or do something that was not helpful for them. Please don’t take it personally if the things you offer or do to help are not well received. When you take offense, you are making their grief about yourself and this doesn’t help them. Of course, offer ideas of things you are able to help with, but if that’s not what they want, please don’t make things worse for them by expressing your annoyance that they don’t need that specific kind of help.

• IT’S OKAY TO CRY. Crying is a normal and natural release of emotion, and your friend probably has done a lot of crying. It’s not a bad thing. Society has taught us that crying is a weakness. It’s easy to get scared or want to run away from those emotions. 

When your friend cries in front of you, realize that you have the great honor of sitting with your friend in their pain.

• If they are comfortable crying with you, you have a special relationship that allows room for that. You are blessed. Those tears are coming for a reason, and it’s okay to embrace that. Remember, with these tears -- and in general when going to be with your friend -- that you don’t need to try to fix anything, or to make anything better. When they cry, it doesn’t mean you have to try to make them stop crying. 

• Your instinct might be to fill up the silence with words and change the mood of the moment. But remember this SILENCE IS OKAY. You do not need to fill every void or gap. This comes from a place of insecurity in yourself. You feel you need to say or do something to fix the situation and not make it so awkward. But many times, as the bereaved, we just need to know that we have the support and love from someone. We need to know that they love us enough to sit in silence and not need to fill the gaps. 

Silence is super powerful in grief. Next time you feel the need to say or do something because your friend is crying, remember it’s okay to just be with them as well, and allow space for them to talk if they need.

• IT’S OKAY TO LAUGH. When you see your friend smile and laugh, it’s okay that they are laughing. Laughter is a great relief from grief if it comes, but I can tell you the laughter is a different laughter than before. This laughter and smiles are tinged with grief and pain. The smile that you see does not show the depth of pain they are feeling, and the constant thoughts about their child.

I would love to offer you my workshop called STOP TALKING, START FEELING in which it gives you tools to understand your emotions and your thoughts, along with guided meditations, and ways to process specifically the emotions of guilt and sadness that come with grief.

If you are interested in joining this workshop it’s only $27, and you can get it by going to www.stoptalkingstartfeeling.com

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group:www.meganhillukka.com/community

79 : Physical health vs mental health

Are you healthy? What are the ways you do to make yourself healthy?

Remember, that being healthy is not only physically but also mentally.

So often, physical health takes precedence over mental health. And it shouldn’t be that way.

Episode pointers:

• We cannot see what goes on within someone else’s body or within their mind. So often, as the person who is living in a stressed state, or in deep grief, you might feel like you have to try to convince others that this really is as bad as you say it is. And then because it doesn’t seem to be that big of a deal for other people, you minimize your own suffering and say there’s just something wrong with me. I don’t know what’s my problem.

• Due to COVID, we are expected to wear a mask to prevent the spread of the virus. However, I couldn't wear one because I can’t breathe.I have a medical condition but it wasn’t something I could actually prove because it’s in my mind. 

 I had an experience where I was that they made me put the mask over my nose the whole time, and I was so close to having a panic attack.

Then I realized this might be why it’s so hard for me. I almost drowned when I was younger, and I’ve always had a need to breathe like even if my husband gets too close, I’m always like back up I need to breathe!

• When you are struggling with emotional health, mental health, things people cannot see but are inside of you, it’s so hard to believe that there is something that you could get help for. It’s so hard to try to “fight” for yourself. Feeling like nobody will believe you. Nobody understands, and you just start to think something is wrong with you.

• Here’s the thing with mental health. Grief, PTSD, anxiety, depression, any other mental health struggles, you cannot see from an outside perspective. It’s all internal. It’s all inside of you. And take PTSD as an example, there is something that has happened in you that absolutely needs professional help and support, yet because it’s internal so often women second guess themselves.

Maybe I’m broken? Maybe I’m just weak? Other people can handle this, why can’t I?

•  It’s easy to start to justify why you feel the way you do, or shame yourself into not getting the help you need because maybe you are making a bigger deal of it in your mind than it actually is.

• And yet- mental struggles are truly causing so much suffering. And with covid and the focus on physical health, mental health suffering has just gotten worse. It’s continuing to get worse because as a society we don’t say it’s important enough. 

Are you caring for your mental health? 

• For some reason, with mental health, it’s harder to get help, because maybe it means you're weak. Maybe it’s actually admitting you feel broken. Maybe it’s terrifying because then you actually have to change something. Or maybe you have had a horrible experience with trying to get help and you felt misunderstood, pushed on, forced to places you weren’t ready for.

Your life doesn’t have to be one of absolute suffering. Of emptiness and void of purpose. When you get the right tools and support, it’s amazing how much can begin to shift and change for you. 

• You can absolutely learn tools to help you. And taking care of yourself mentally and emotionally is one of the most important things you can do.

• Because our mental health and emotional health affect everything in your life right? Your relationships, your finances, your happiness level, your ability to cope, your job, your outlook on life, EVERYTHING!

So, why not take it as seriously as it is?

• Your mental health is so important, friends. And nobody else can decide for you that you need the help. That you need to care for yourself and your emotions and your mind.This is something you have to decide for yourself. Please, please, please get the help. Get the help before it becomes an emergency. Get the help you need, friend.

I would love to offer you my workshop called STOP TALKING, START FEELING in which it gives you tools to understand your emotions and your thoughts, along with guided meditations, and ways to process specifically the emotions of guilt and sadness that come with grief.

If you are interested in joining this workshop it’s only $27, and you can get it by going to www.meganhillukka.com/workshop

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group:www.meganhillukka.com/community

78 : What is Emotional Freedom Technique/ E.F.T./ Tapping?

In this episode, I am going to share a very special tool for you to use to support you in your grieving journey. I often use this with myself and with my clients.

This tool is the Emotional Freedom Technique/ E.F.T./ Tapping.

This is a tool/tapping in which you tap on certain parts of your body.

First, we speak out all the painful and heavy things. We bring up the pain and hardpoints to the surface and let it go.

Then, we tap into positive truths, bringing in affirmations and more positive things we can settle into your body.

We do the tapping on these acupressure points :

• side of the eyebrow ( right above the center of your nose)

• side of the eye

• under the eye

• under the nose

• under the lips, on the chin 

• collar bone area

• underneath the arm 

• top of the head

My Relief in Grief is going on right now. You can join if you want to. There are still 2 days left. If you want to be a part of it, you can go to www.reliefingriefsupportgroup.com to register and save your spot!

If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoaching

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

77: Does his ever get better?

“Does it ever get better?”

“Please tell me it gets better.” “I can’t keep living this way.” 

Have you also asked the same question? Are you feeling the same way?

Let’s talk more about these questions in this episode.

Episode Pointers :

• Someone else’s experience doesn’t mean it has to be yours. 

• I remember feeling this way, and I remember wondering if I would ever have joy again.

           Is it even possible for me to feel that deep true joy that I felt before Aria died?

Would I just be empty the rest of my life?

I wanted to hear from other moms. I wanted to know that it could get better. I had to know that it could change so that I could know I wouldn’t be living this way for the rest of my life.

• I’m forever grateful to the mom who did tell me. You will feel joy again. It’s possible, it will be different, it’s a different kind of joy, but it can still be deep, full, absolute joy.

To know it was possible, and then continue to be okay with being right where I was in the muck. In the hole of grief. But to see that shining light ahead of me to know that the grief work was worth it. Processing grief was worth it and it will bring me a reward.

• So- to you wondering if it will ever get better? I can absolutely say yes. Yes, it can get better. Yes, it can change. Yes, you can learn to live again. Maybe not right now, maybe not yet for you, but it’s absolutely possible.

• You cannot learn to hold grief and joy, without first holding space for grief. Not a wallowing in grief, but processing of grief. Wallowing in grief only keeps you cycling and stuck, processing grief allows you to flow in and out of the emotions that come. Processing gives you the permission to deeply feel the pain, agony, grief, sadness, guilt, anger, frustration, depression whatever it is that’s coming up for you, and then coming to an ending of it.

It’s intentional. You have to decide that you are allowed to grieve. You have to decide that you are worth the work. You have to decide that you want to learn to live again, so you are going to sit in the muck and do the work.

• Time can take a bit of an edge off the pain, but time truly does nothing. It’s what you do with the time that counts.

• Time does nothing. You do not have to suffer your whole life. You really don’t. You can learn to live with this. While I know you didn’t choose for your child to die. I know you didn’t deserve it. I know you don’t want to live this way. Each of us gets a choice in how we move forward. In how we pick up the pieces of our broken heart. 

It’s work, it's rebuilding, it’s effort, its’ energy, it’s intention. It will not just happen by itself.

• Will it ever get better? And again, I say absolutely it can. Absolutely you can learn to carry your grief and never forget your child, absolutely you can hold space for grief and joy, and look with hope and excitement to your future, but not if you’re not willing to do the deep work. Not if you’re trying to numb it away, not if you're not willing to try new things or get the help you need. Nothing changes if nothing changes friend.

So yes- it can get better and I believe in you. As I always say, I’m holding on to hope for you, until you are ready to hold it for yourself.

My 3-day workshop Relief in Grief is open for registration and it’s going to be amazing. If you want to begin taking steps to pick up all the pieces of your shattered heart, holding space for them, and gently putting them back together, come join us. This is a safe space where your grief is heard and seen, where your mind can be absolutely blown by the shifts that can happen in your grief. Literally, I’ve had people who their whole grief journeys have shifted just in these few days together. Where they were suffering so much, and now they are able to live again.

If you want things to get better, it takes action, work, and intention. So join me next week, on the 13th, 14th, and 15th for Relief in Grief. You can go to www.reliefingriefsupportgroup.com to register and save your spot!

If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoaching

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group:www.meganhillukka.com/community

76: Anxiety With Your Other Kids

“If you have other children, how are your anxiety or stress levels about them?”

And the overwhelming response was- horrible, over the top, very high, through the roof.

In this episode, I wanted to discuss this and offer a maybe different perspective on this.

Episode Pointers:

• Please don’t let yourself do the shame cycle.

                 - Shame does nothing in helping you, all it does is keep you cycling exactly where you are at.

• After Aria died, I was also diagnosed with PTSD. I was so so anxious. I couldn’t relax in the evening, I remember sitting on my chair in the living room while my kids were sleeping, and I would be a tense ball of stress.

Will I ever know what relaxation means again? 

I never relaxed, because I had to go check on my kids every 10 minutes, I would literally check my watch and every 10 minutes, go make sure everyone was fine.  I actually could never relax unless I was completely away from my kids, but even then, I wondered if the person watching them was watching them close enough. So- basically I didn’t relax.

•  I don’t WANT to live with anxiety. I don’t WANT to feel this way. I just do, and I can’t do anything about it. I hate it, I don’t want it, and I wish others would just understand.

So- I want you to know that I understand how uncontrollable it feels. I want you to know that once I was in a place of extreme anxiety and couldn’t see a way out. 

• I was watching our kids play outside with 2 friends, and they were playing with a rope. All I saw in my mind was every single way that rope was going to kill those kids. So I asked the other moms I was with, does the rope make you anxious? Or is it just my anxiety on high alert? 

They were not worried about it, and now in the state, I am in, I would not be either, but when you are in such a state of fear and worry, everything has the possibility of ending your children’s, your husbands, your friends, other people's children's lives.

• I’ve heard from many moms, who have raised their other children already, that the fear and worry they had stressed their relationship with their other children. That the anxiety and fear related to them not wanting another child to die, caused a separation in the relationship, which is far from what you want as a mom. I know this. I also know you are exhausted, and doing everything you can do to survive. So it’s hard, but these things happen too.

This is a comment from the post specifically:

I had debilitating and mentally exhausting anxiety and fear surrounding my daughter after my son died. Because I didn’t know that it’s so common and a real emotion brought on by trauma and loss, the fears and no idea I could manage these, controlled my existence making me sick and as a mom. A happy and thriving 17-year-old young lady was grieving herself and no longer recognized her mum at all. Aside from the sadness, anger, and isolation, the fears caused chaos and lasting negative effects and hardships between my daughter and me to this day

• I’ve also talked with children of grieving mothers, even the grandchild of grieving mothers who have been deeply affected by their mother’s anxiety and fear and it has caused resentment in their life and they have not felt as connected to their mother because of it.

•  Kids can tell when you are anxious even if you try to hide it, and so then since you don’t say anything, the child makes it about them. What did they do wrong? What did they do wrong that is making you so anxious? Then they start to get worried and anxious because they are picking up on your anxiety.

• I know, you are already just trying to survive, and trying to do everything to keep your family together, and doing everything you can to not make your world continue to fall apart around you. I get it. And so I’m trying to stress the absolute importance of getting help for yourself. This is absolutely critical. Not only for your well being but for your children’s well being. You don’t have to just keep trying to survive every day, you can get the help, support, and tools to lessen the anxiety and hold space for it, so it doesn't’ control your life.

I want to remind you again- that curiosity, gentleness, love, and compassion for yourself are some of your best tools.

• There is nothing wrong with the anxiety you feel. I know- here I talk about all the bad things about anxiety and you wonder how you can get rid of it, but it doesn’t work that way. Relax into the anxiety, and stop judging it. Don’t try to get rid of it, and just let yourself learn to sit in the energy of anxiety without needing to do anything.

•  Often, asking someone who doesn’t have the same debilitating anxiety as you can be helpful, but only if you have been able to be okay with just sitting in the anxiety and not trying to change it or having to follow through with what your anxiety is trying to make you do.

• You can tell yourself that this is what your brain does. Your brain is giving you the worst-case scenarios because it’s trying to protect you. This doesn’t mean they are going to happen or are happening. This is just your brain. 

You are not your thoughts. You are not your anxiety. 

• I wanted to highlight how crucial it is for you to get help for yourself. Because the anxiety you feel not only affects you but everyone else around you. 

• If your anxiety is so debilitating you can’t do anything to even begin getting help and learning the tools to navigate it, I want to encourage you to go see your doctor and see if medication would be a good step for you. It’s so important to use all the tools that are available to you. Go get the medication if you need it, then dive deep into doing the deep work of calming your body down, learning tools to manage anxiety, and manage your mind.

 You have more control over your anxiety than you think. 

Registration for Relief in Grief is now open! It’s my 3-day workshop diving into all things grief and child loss. If you are ready to begin picking up the pieces of your shattered heart, and learn how to hold space for grief and joy, come join me and the other moms in this 3-day workshop. It’s going to be amazing and you don’t want to miss it! Go to www.reliefingriefsupportgroup.com to register!

If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoaching

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

75: How Do I Know if I'm Grieving Correctly?

Is there a correct way of grieving? This is the common question a grieving mother would ask. We often compare our grieving to other’s experiences.

In this episode, we are going to know if there is a correct way of handling grief.

Episode Pointers :

• Each of us has our own path. We have different experiences and different relationships.

• There is a strong narrative that we all grieve differently in the sense that anyone can grieve in whatever way and it’s correct, or it’s okay.

• Grief is normal and it will come and go for the rest of your life. It seems like the questions come up when you have been doing fine, managing day to day, feeling like maybe you are doing okay with this whole grief thing, and all of sudden something triggers the tears and the pain. 

• Then you start to wonder, did I ever grieve at all? How come it’s so painful? Am I doing this correctly? Is it supposed to be like this? And yes- that will happen. That will happen for the rest of your life. 

• So when the waves come, let go of the judgment and the questions, it’s supposed to be there and it’s okay that it’s there. There is nothing wrong with the way you are grieving because a wave has come over you. Grief will come in waves for the rest of your life.

• I like to share this image of a person called grief has come to walk beside you. Right away I fought this person called grief. They were invisible to everyone else but I was very aware of them every second of every day. I didn’t want grief to be there. I tried to ignore the person, I tried to run, but none of that worked. Then, I began to relax and be okay with the person there, and now, I’m very comfortable with grief being a part of my life. I walk with and carry grief and I will the rest of my life. 

So- the thing I’ve learned more and more, is that in terms of the question am I doing this correctly?

• This is personal to each person. 

For example, One person needs more alone time, and one person needs to be around people more. One person needs to say no, and one person needs to reach out to people. One person will process grief through exercise, and one person will process it through writing. 

• So we each process our pain in different ways, but are you allowing yourself to grieve in the way you need to?
  
  When I ask this question, usually people say no I am not. They say things like, no, but I have another child and I don’t know how to take time for myself, or my husband won’t let me, or nobody else understands, or I don’t have time, or I’m scared to.

•  You just aren’t letting yourself. The only person who will give you permission to grieve in the way you need to is you. So please don’t wait for others in your life to tell you how you should be grieving or stopping you from grieving in a way that supports you going forward in your life. If you ask yourself, you know what you need on your grief journey. If you pray, if you listen to your body, if you listen to what you need you will know.

Do you need boundaries? Do you need a set time every day to grieve? Do you need a break? Do you need to ask for help? Do you need to invest in a coach? Do you need to get quiet? Do you need a journal?

• If you feel like you don’t know, can you try things out? Can you give yourself some space to see what feels right for you and what doesn’t? And then let go of judgment. Just because someone else loves writing, doesn’t mean that has to work for you. Just because someone else wants to talk all the time about their child, doesn’t mean that has to be for you.

• If grief is my normal response to the death of my child, and it’s okay to grieve and actually I need to grieve, I need to hold space for it, otherwise, I will suffer and get sick, and live in a deep state of darkness for many many years, how do I want to grieve?

Am I grieving in a way that supports me moving forward in my life?

Am I holding space for grief in a way that feels correct for me?

Am I hurting myself, or supporting myself?

Am I using healthy supportive tools on my journey, or am I going down a path that is terrifying me?

Am I numbing, distracting, stuffing emotions, or am I allowing myself to feel my grief and pain?

• Your grief is your own and no one is going to do the work for you. No one else can grieve your grief or feel your pain. So this is your journey to walk and decide how you want to forward.

• Each of us who has said goodbye to our child or baby is walking with the most intense pain, and we each get to decide how to go forward. You didn’t get a choice in your child dying but you do get a choice in how you move forward in your life and how you grieve.

So- are you grieving correctly? That's up to you to decide after you ask yourself all those types of questions.

 Grief is normal, and you get to decide how you want to ride the waves of it.

If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoaching

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community

74 : What is the Difference Between Therapy and Coaching?

Both Therapy and coaching are very essential in our grieving journey. So, how do they differ and how  can they help us in dealing with child loss?

In this episode, we are going to know their importance, difference , and how they affect us in healing and moving forward.

Episode Pointers:

• Most therapists are a place for you to go and talk, to get out the stuff that's coming up inside, to get the words out of your mind. And that feeling is amazing when you are walking with grief and you just need a space to go over your experience.

• If a therapist doesn’t understand grief, they are not the right therapist for you specifically for losing a child. Truly, not everyone is a good fit for everyone. It’s a human to human relationship and sometimes you just don’t click with someone.

• Therapy also tends to focus only on top down processing. This is where you talk only, and don’t get into the sensations of feelings in your body. 

• Therapy is an amazing resource, but something can easily happen. That you begin to develop a dependency relationship of sorts with your therapist. That you need to go to therapy for years and years.

• It doesn’t mean you shouldn't’ ever talk about your experience, but there is a difference in cycling and suffering over and over again, and processing and learning to carry your grief.

• This is why I believe coaching is so powerful. While therapy can easily become a place you continue on for years and years and rehash the past over and over again. Coaching is for someone who wants to learn tools to move forward. Not to get out of the past, but to honor their experiences, honor their child, remember them, never forget and carry them forward with them in their life. 

As a coach, I want my clients to learn the tools to be able to not need me. That is my goal, that my clients’ lives would be so deeply changed, that they would not need me for grief coaching anymore.

• There is this difference. Some therapists do give tools to move forward, to process emotions, a lot of them are a sounding board, a place to talk, a place to vent, a place to get everything out.

• And with coaching, I combine both the talking, but not just talking, not just venting, but when you talk, then we dive deeper. As a coach, I help guide you through experiencing emotion and learning to sit with emotion. 

"I like the different tools you have to offer, and you always come prepared. You always know what to say, even if it's uncomfortable. I feel like you are open and listen. This work is an uncomfortable thing, and you make it more comfortable."

• That there is nothing wrong with you for feeling depression. Sadness. Anger. Anxiety. Fear. These are all emotions that come with grief, but we don’t have to just leave it at that. . Sit with it. Feel it. Truly experience it until the energy of the emotion flows out. Then- you can begin to look at behind it, what are the thoughts that were bringing up that emotion? Do I want to keep them and keep going in this cycle or not? What do I want to do?
  
  So- this is how coaching goes deeper than just talking about it. 

• Grief is not a mental illness. There is nothing wrong with you. You are experiencing a normal response to loss, that yes, can lead to very negative paths if not supported, but in the end it’s still grief, and there is a way to process it.

The biggest thing I would offer to you as you look in your own life, is the person, whether a therapist or a coach you are working with helping you. Do you feel connected to them? Do you feel hope every time you leave?

•  The two biggest things to notice, is do you feel connected to the person you are working with? And at the end of your sessions do you have hope? 

That is the feeling I try to leave my clients with, every time we end a call. The way I end the session is important, and usually they are in a state of calm and peace.

And then- the honest truth is this. What do you want? Do you want to learn how to move forward and build a beautiful life after such a devastating experience, all while holding your child and experience as part of your life, or do you want to stay exactly where you are, even feeling like you are going backwards? This is all up to you. You get to decide. And only you. You get to make the choice.

If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoaching

If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community