“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.”
I know when you lose a child it can be hard to even fathom the purpose and the why of the reason. Even if you believe this like I do- that things are not in my control, and that Aria’s time on earth was up, and there is nothing I can do to change that- doesn’t mean that I don’t wonder and question why it has to be that way. Why my child? Why was her life cut so short? Why this pain and suffering? How can this be? What’s the purpose in that?
I’ve been thinking a lot about the seasons of life. I’ve learned, that tomorrow is not guaranteed. My life, my husbands life, my children’s life- they can all end tomorrow. If I wait my whole life waiting for the next thing, I’m missing out on this moment. This time with my kids, this time as a mother, this time as a wife, this time as a friend. I can find so many heavy things in my life, and at the same time, I can also find many things to be thankful for and grateful for.
I know raising little kids is hard- that’s where I’m at. It’s a lot of giving- and I will be honest with you, I feel like I’m a very selfish person. It would be so easy to wish these years away, because it’s tiring, and sleepless nights, and crying tantrums that I don’t know what’s going on. But, I’ve been thinking a lot that I want to enjoy these years. I want to enjoy when my kids are all under my roof. When I know where they are at night. These are the days, where I can snuggle my babies and read to my kids.
I want to enjoy them now- not in 20 years when the moments are long gone, or as I’ve learned, because the moments are not possible anymore with that child, or with my husband, or with my friends.
What if instead of living my life waiting for the next thing, instead of just “getting through” these difficult years, I looked for the good. What if I sat and noticed the joy that my kids bring me. What if I took the time to see the beauty and thank God for the life I have been given. It doesn’t mean I think my life is perfect, and that I don’t have difficult days, but I want to spend more time seeing the beauty instead of seeing the negative side of things.
I could easily wait for when our kids are older, and we have more time as a couple. But what if our years together are now? We are not guaranteed life into retirement. I have lost a child- and I know I’m not exempt from losing another. Neither are you.
I believe there is a time to mourn, and a time to be sad. A time to grieve, and a time to cry. But I also want to believe that there is a time for joy, and a time for contentment. A time for laughter, and a time for peace. I 1000% believe that mourning has a purpose, and it will be with me, and with you for the rest of our lives. But I believe there is room for both- our grief and our joy.
Take this as a gentle reminder for you, and for me- that our days are unknown, and we might not have tomorrow. I know many people say that, but do they actually live that way? Do they actually notice the little things, and soak in the good moments? I wish it didn’t take me losing my daughter to learn this.
Your life is yours. Your grief is yours. Just like my life is mine, and my grief is only mine. What do you want to notice in your life and how do you want to live?