140: 3 Types of Business
I recently heard this description that goes something like this. There are 3 lanes, or business. There’s God’s business, there’s your business, and there’s other people's business.
Suffering happens in your life when you are in God’s business, or other people’s business.
So often we want to change things that are not our business. No matter how hard we try, we cannot change them. We cannot change our spouse, our kids, what happened in our life, what’s happening to someone we love.
It’s like hitting a brick wall over and over again. We cannot change it, and yet we try. Try to force our way on it, try to put our opinions, beliefs, or what we think should or should have happened in there.
God’s business is all the things that just happen. That we have absolutely no control over. Life, death, things that happen. Those are God’s business. We didn’t choose them. We can’t change them. We can’t do anything about them. They are what has happened in our lives.
Other people's business is exactly that. The things outside of ourselves that sometimes we believe if they changed, then things would be different. Our life would be different. We would be happier.
Let’s take a few examples.
If only my husband showed me his love more, I would be a happier wife.
If society was more open to talking about hard things we wouldn’t have such a shame and guilt culture.
If people didn’t always say the wrong things, I wouldn’t be in so much pain.
If my children would just listen to me, I could be a calmer mom.
That last place we ever want to look is at ourselves. What can we change in our own lane?
What can I do for myself that doesn’t involve dealing in someone else’s lane, or in God’s lane?
Another way I’ve heard this described is in terms of manuals.
That we might have a manual for someone in our lives. We have a manual of how we think a husband is supposed to be. A child is supposed to act. How a marriage is supposed to work. How our life is supposed to be. How our friends should act and what a good friend looks like. We might even have a manual for our life, and how children are not supposed to die.
When we have manuals for other people, and they don’t follow them, we get angry at them, think they are not good friends, children, or husbands, because they are not following our manuals that we set for them, that we probably didn’t even tell them about.
What kind of expectations do you have for others in your life, that you keep getting disappointed over and over again when they don’t follow them or they don’t meet your expectations?
This the same for believing that children are not supposed to die. It’s the fighting what is. Children do die. My child died. If you’re listening to this, chances are, your baby or child died as well, and it’s like going over and over it again and again and nothing changes. It’s still the same. We believe children shouldn’t die, and yet they do. It doesn’t change anything. It just creates a lot of suffering.
Ok- so how do you stay in your own lane?
So let me share a story from my own life.
When Aria died, Justin and I were the most connected we had ever been in our lives. Getting through the first few weeks we clung to each other and really tried to support each other as much as we could in those first few waves of grief. I was nervous that we would be one of those couples whose marriage wouldn’t survive, and I didn’t want that.
As time went on, we started to become disconnected. We fought a lot. We made every effort to connect and yet it seemed like we just couldn’t understand each other. Every time I was sad about Aria I wanted to share it all with him, and I wanted to hear everything he was going through as well. I had this dream that we would share together and connect. That through this we would grieve at the same time, we would grieve together.
I kept trying to get him to grieve like me. I kept trying to get in his business and tell him how he’s supposed to grieve, because you know, I was doing it correctly and clearly he wasn’t feeling his pain. I was worried that many years down the road he would be hit by grief and be unable to function. I wanted him to grieve in a healthy way.
The problem is, this didn’t really work. It just created more conflict, frustration and fighting. This was by far the hardest thing we had ever experienced in our lives.
I had heard that couples grieved differently, and that couples could have extreme stress in their relationship, but I didn’t want that to be us, and somehow it was.
I have a clear memory of going to the cemetery and after bawling my eyes out I asked Justin angrily, how come you never cry. Aren’t you sad? Don’t you miss her?
He got pretty upset with me, and said, you think I’m not sad? Just because I’m not actually crying doesn’t mean I don’t hurt on the inside. Just because you can’t see my pain, doesn’t mean I’m not feeling it.
Wow, that is when I realized we truly do grieve different. I wanted to connect with him in my grief, but I can’t put a manual on him on how he’s supposed to grieve. So I asked myself, how can I show up for him and help him? And how can I support myself in my own grief?
This is what it looks like in our lives now. I dont’ tell him how to grieve. I dont’ tell him how to run his life, or how to feel emotions, or how to do anything. I’ve dropped my manual for him in his grief and try to stay in my own lane as much as possible.
For us, this looks like this- When I’m sad, and I want to share with him, I do. He usually doesn’t share much back with me, just listens and holds space for me. When he’s sad and if he does share that with me, I hold space for him, and he doesn’t ever tell me anything about what he’s thinking about. I’ve had to learn to be okay with that. Though deep in my heart I’d love him to share with me every detail about what he’s thinking about, I’ve learned that this is enough.
I can put down my manual for him, stay in my own lane and take care of my own grieve and through that we can grieve together in our own way, and then our marriage is deeper and better than ever.
First- notice where you do have manuals for other people. Notice where you are in somebody else's business, trying to fix, change, or control their life. Maybe you view it as helping, but it really isn’t because it’s not your business..
Second- notice what these manuals you have are, and notice how they are helping or hurting you.
Side note: I would love it if everyone followed my manual too, but I haven’t been able to figure out how to get everyone to listen to exactly what I say and think and do everything I expect when I expect it. So, there’s that.
Third, focus on where you do have control in your life.
Mainly your business. Your own emotional health. You are the only person who is responsible for your life. For the boundaries you put up. For who you spend your time with, for how you react when people say things to you. If you stay in your lane, and focus on how you can change, where you can reach out, how you can help, how you can take care of yourself, what you can and can’t control, you can let go of so much suffering and struggle in your life.
What thoughts are you having that are creating suffering, what patterns do you have in your life that are creating struggle. What can you let go of. What can you add in? What do you want to do in your life?
Where are you having a lot of conflict in your life, notice where it’s coming from, and notice if it’s about something you wish could be different from the other two types of business. God’s business, or Someone else’s business.
If it’s in those businesses, you can only do the work on yourself surrounding those situations. If it’s in your business, well- then that’s up to you to do the work on yourself in that situation.
In the end, the only lane you have control over is your own, and so if you can stay in your own lane, you can let go of a lot of suffering.
So much love to you all this week, I hope you found this episode helpful. If you did, can you share it with a friend? Share it on Instagram and tag me at cultivatedfamily, I’d love to reshare it in my stories if you do.
Until next week friends, take care.
If you like this podcast, and found it helpful, I want to invite you come check out Grieving Moms Haven, my monthly community for Grieving moms, where you can learn positive coping mechanisms, find a safe space with others who understand, and learn life long skills that support you as you learn how to carry this weight of grief in your life.
There are group coaching calls where we do guided meditations, tapping meditations, breathwork, and just talk, knowing that everyone in the group is also walking the path of child loss
You can come check out Grieving Moms Haven at www.grievingmomshaven.com
