133: Not All Your Feelings Are Real
Ok, I talk a lot about feelings. I am a huge proponent of feeling your feelings, processing them, and holding space for them. But maybe something I haven’t talked about as much, is that even though you are feeling something, it doesn't mean it’s true or even real.
It also doesn’t mean you have to act from that feeling.
I would argue that it’s actually each of our own personal responsibilities to process our emotions and feelings so we don’t project them or vomit them onto other people in our lives. And this is why feeling your feelings and processing emotions is so absolutely important in your life.
First, let’s look at the framework that kind of creates our lives and our experiences. First we have the lens in which we are looking through the world, and when something happens to us we experience it through the lens or that we are looking through. And then we have a thought about that experience, and the thought creates an emotion in our bodies, and from our emotions we take action, and from our actions, we get our results in our lives.
So- focusing on the emotion creates the actions we take in our lives. Have you ever heard of the phrase, hurt people, hurt people? Have you ever felt angry, say with your spouse or someone else you love, and then you say things you don’t actually mean, because you are angry, and you just want to hurt them in some way because you are hurting so bad. I know I have.
I used to believe that in order to process my emotions, I had to say and get all the words out of my head and tell them to say to Justin. That he needed to know everything I was thinking and I needed to vomit my emotions and thoughts all over him. What I’ve realized is that if I process the emotions I am feeling, rather than projecting them on to him, then we can have a more civilized conversation, and I don’t say things I didn’t mean to say.
So- it’s absolutely important to feel and process your emotions. It’s important to feel the sensations of anger or guilt or sadness in your body, but that’s where I would jump in and ask a few questions.
Are the thoughts creating this emotion true?
What if I just processed this emotion fully through and didn’t take any action from this emotion?
What if my emotions are real and I need to feel them, but I don’t need to do anything with them, and I don’t need to make it mean anything about myself.
Here’s an example. Say your baby died, and it’s very hard to see other people’s babies around. Maybe you feel a lot of jealousy or anger towards them and the fact they still have their baby. When you allow those feelings to take over you and control you, you might say things you don’t mean, you might not go anywhere because you’re scared of feeling those emotions and you don’t want to see any babies, you might start to despise yourself for the way you are feeling, you resist it and fight it and wish you were a better person because good people don’t get jealous of other people.
Do you see how all of these are actions and results that come from the jealousy or anger you feel? Especially when you take action from them?
What if, instead in this same situation, you notice how you feel. You feel jealous, or angry, and instead of resisting it, you just allow yourself to process the sensations in your body. You’re like, how interesting, I feel jealous, I feel anger. I feel sad. And sitting with it.
How do you think you will respond or react when you just let the emotion pass through you? How do you think you will feel when you let it flow instead of resisting it, and maybe projecting it to other people?
For myself, I feel like I act more in the way that I want to act, because I process the emotions that could cause me to act in horrible ways that I really don’t want to do, but I allow myself to feel, and then guess what, I might actually be okay holding my friends baby, or going to a baby shower, or connecting with people i love because I am willing and able to process the emotions I am feeling, and I also don’t make it mean anything about me or that there’s anything wrong with me, or with them.
Sometimes we can feel an emotion and feel like the other person is the problem. But once you process the emotion, you can separate the emotion from the person, and just notice that you felt the anger, and let it move through you, rather than you are angry and it’s their fault.
Ok, in closing, I want to always remind you. This is a practice. It’s a practice I am doing every day. My emotions still get the best of me. I still react from anger or sadness, but as I’ve built my capacity to feel and experience my emotions it gets less and less. And I can see the absolute beauty it is when I feel my emotions rather than react to them and hurt others in my life.
You can feel shame, anger, guilt, sadness, and it does not have to react to it, and it doesn’t have to mean anything about anything that has happened with other people or with you.
It can be just as simple as that. An emotion. A feeling in your body. That you don’t have to fix, do anything with, get rid of, all you have to learn to do is sit with it. Simple? Yes it’s simple in theory, but actually one of the hardest things you can do in your life- so yes, it’s a practice.
That’s all I have today my friends. If you are looking for some grief support and help, I have a few free workshops on my website. If you go to www.meganhillukka.com/workshops, you can find them there. They are available immediately so you don’t have to wait to watch them!
Alright, take care, see you next week!
If you like this podcast, and found it helpful, I want to invite you come check out Grieving Moms Haven, my monthly community for Grieving moms, where you can learn positive coping mechanisms, find a safe space with others who understand, and learn life long skills that support you as you learn how to carry this weight of grief in your life.
There are group coaching calls where we do guided meditations, tapping meditations, breathwork, and just talk, knowing that everyone in the group is also walking the path of child loss
You can come check out Grieving Moms Haven at www.grievingmomshaven.com
