137: 5 Reasons You Might Not Try Something That Would Help
I’ve always thought of myself as a pessimistic person. There used to be a trigger for me, that when something felt too much, I would just go to despair and just give up.
A short example, a friend and I were traveling Europe when I was 18. We were in Scotland and we were trying to get to a hostel that we were told was just down this road a bit. We had tried to camp along the lake in our sleeping bags, and it started to rain at about 11 pm, so we were going to go to the hostel. We started walking down the road, and we kept thinking, around the next corner, it must be around the next corner, because the hostel just was not coming into view. It was dark, raining, a windy road, in a foreign country that we weren’t familiar with. We walked for almost an hour.
We decided we must have gone the wrong way and turned around, trying to figure out what to do. That was when my emotional capacity gave out. I was a bawling wreck. Wondering how we were going to get through this night, how we were going to manage this. My friend with me was positive and encouraging, and looking for options. In the end, a car came flying around the corner and it was some cops. They ended up driving us to the hostel we were looking for, which was back the direction we came from, and we got there a bit after midnight and they had already shut down the computers, but they rebooted them to allow us to stay the night.
So this was my pattern, and has been for a lot of my life. Something feels like too much emotionally, and I just give up. I cry. I can’t do anything. I simply give up.
But I’ve been able to build my capacity so that doesn’t happen as quickly anymore, and now when it’s happened, I can also take a quick break, and pick myself up again, and keep doing what I needed to do.
I now view myself as very open and optimistic. I love to try new things to help support my body and mind through my experiences in my life. I like seeing all the options and things out there to help. I really believe that there are so many things there is something out there that can help.
A question I ask often is why would you not try to make your life better? Why would you not try something when it feels like your life is just a struggle every day, a slog. Maybe you’re in the point of your grief kinda just waiting for your life to end so you can be done with this suffering.
Why would you want to live that way the rest of your life? You don’t have to. There are things that can help you, and yet, maybe you haven’t taken any actual steps to getting help, doing the work, learning the skills, investing in the coaching or practices that can help you.
I’ve dove into this with a lot of people, and a lot of times, it’s the beliefs or thoughts underneath.
Here are a few that have come up- check in with yourself and see if any of these ring true for you.
Why would I do anything because I don’t know if it will help me.
When you phrase it that way, I can feel why you wouldn’t even try. Especially if you have tried things and nothing seemed to help, then it can feel like well, I don’t want to try anything else, because I can’t guarantee it will help. But what if it did help? What if it changed your whole experience of your life? What if you learned something that could help you carry your grief instead of suffering with grief?
There is a layer underneath this, that sometimes it feels better to sit where you are even if it’s not fun and pretty painful, because letting yourself hope that maybe this can help me, and then the possibility that it might not, and the let down feels too much. So then you don’t even allow yourself to go there. But what if you could allow yourself to hope- and that keeps you going. And there could be something that you find that changes the whole trajectory of your life?
For me- this was all the thought work I’ve done in my life, and the skill and practice of learning to feel and move through my emotions.
I don’t deserve to feel happy again/Why would I want to be happy when my child died?/ I should suffer and feel sad the rest of my life- or some version of this belief.
Underneath the not trying something new or even anything or trying to make things better, is that I don’t deserve it. I’m broken. The thought of feeling happy or even okay is off putting even though maybe you would love to feel happy again, but the thought of it actually happening might give you a belly ache because maybe that means you are moving on or forgetting your child.
There is also the idea of child loss equals suffering. That if you are not suffering the rest of your life, then maybe you aren’t grieving correctly, or you aren’t missing them enough.
So- do you feel this way? Are you slow to do the grief work because every bit of pain or suffering you let go of, that it feels like it means that you are moving away from your child and forgetting them?
Another reason you might not try something new is thinking that you should just know how to do this. That God will help you and you should be able to just keep going.
Your child dying is the most life altering and life shattering thing you can ever go through. Yes- pray to God, seek for his guidance, but also use tools here on earth to support your mind and body through this shattering experience.
You do not need to be strong and get through this alone. Even if you like to process alone and don’t want to be a part of a group, there is freedom for that, for you to find resources, join places where you can just learn on your own, and not have to interact with anyone.
Maybe you’re thinking you just need to give it more time
Well what i have to say is that time does nothing. I’ve talked with mothers who are 40 years in and who feel the same way they did the day their child died. Time does nothing my friend. It’s what you do with time that counts. It doesn’t matter how many years have passed, if you haven’t done the grief work, it will still be waiting there, waiting for you when you are ready to dive in and be with it.
So the passage of time, is only that, time passing. It doesn’t help with the actual grief, emotions, and thoughts that you are living with right now. And there is no time like the present to get started.
One more way might be because even though it’s horrible to be in deep grief, when you are there, to imagine feeling any other way is painful because of what you make it mean.
Like you are moving on or forgetting your child. The last thing any of us wants to do is forget or move on, and it can feel like if you are not in excruciating pain then you are forgetting, because how could you not be in excruciating pain when your child is dead.
If you are feeling this way, I hear you. I feel you. I have had these same thoughts and feelings. Terrified that I’m going to forget and move on. That feeling of peace and calm would mean that I’m forgetting.
And yet- as a mom who has walked this road a while, I can tell you one thing with absolute certainty no matter your story. You will not forget. You will not move on. You will never stop grieving. You will never get over this.
And you can have peace and calm, you can have joy, you can learn to live again, you can learn to open yourself up to deep love again, you can be vulnerable and be at risk of being hurt again, it’s just all while you’ve expanded your experience to include carrying grief and loss the rest of your life.
I never want to get rid of my grief either, that’s not the point of finding life after child loss. It’s not to be done grieving, but to learn how to ride the waves of grief when they come, and feel all of the emotions so you can feel the grief and the joy. the sorrow and the contentment. It’s all a part of this life.
So- friend, every day that goes by, is another day gone in your life. Another day, where you can simply exist, or take a small step towards something that can help you. Towards building the lifelong skills of feeling and processing emotions, and clearing out your mind so it doesn’t have unconscious control of you.
You have this one life left, why not choose to live? This decision is up to you. With all my heart, I’m climbing down in that dark deep hole with you, and saying to you, friend, you can get out of this hole. This hole is deep and dark, it’s okay to be here, but when you’re ready, I’ll help show you the way out. I’ll walk with you every step of the way.
Come join us in Relief in Grief, it starts next Wednesday and we have a call Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Each of these days is an opportunity for you to learn something new you haven’t heard before or to hear it in a different way. We are diving into caring for yourself in grief, navigating difficult emotions and thoughts of grief, and how to get through grief.
With this being free, there is just no reason to not join. Promise me you will come and join us? This is where I am with you in the hole, and showing you hope. Come join us by going to www.reliefingriefsupportgroup.com I’ll see you on Wednesday my friend!
Make sure you come join us in Relief in Grief, my free 3 day workshop! You can sign up here! This free workshop will help you learn how to care for yourself in grief, process the emotions and thoughts that come after your child dies, and how to get through grief.
If you like this podcast, and found it helpful, I want to invite you come check out Grieving Moms Haven, my monthly community for Grieving moms, where you can learn positive coping mechanisms, find a safe space with others who understand, and learn life long skills that support you as you learn how to carry this weight of grief in your life.
There are group coaching calls where we do guided meditations, tapping meditations, breathwork, and just talk, knowing that everyone in the group is also walking the path of child loss
You can come check out Grieving Moms Haven at www.grievingmomshaven.com
